So who loves the new Taylor Swift CD?

I do!

Taylor Swift has always been one of those singers whose words get to me. I am currently on my 4th time of listening to Enchanted this morning. Her songs are so real and connect to my life so well.

Just had to let you know how much I love T-Swift.

Spontaneity.

I told myself this year that I would be more spontaneous. In the past, I am usually the party-pooper who thinks of all the reasons we should not go tp-ing or speak to random strangers. I always think of the worst possibility to occur and end the fun right away. There was one event last year where I freaked out about something and could not stand the person I was being. What happened to this crazy full of fun girl I used to be? So I made the goal to be more spontaneous this year at school. I am a Senior so what do I have to lose?

Here's some spontaneous events I have taken part in.

Last night- I can't give you details, but it was definitely something I never saw myself doing.

Going to the movies on a Sunday night when I have homework and an early morning of work.

Driving home to support my brother even though I had a set plan for my evening.

Flying to Seattle, Washington in the middle of the semester.

Staying up late to have those deep talks with friends even though I know my sleep is much more important.

Trying out for Chapel and actually getting to sing on Stage. So out of character for me.

Letting friends tell people I once liked them and being secure enough in myself to not care.

Speaking to strangers and making friendships from it.

I am sure my list will continue to grow this year. 

Be Spontaneous.

Life is more exciting and full-filling this way!

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New Beginnings

The month of November is on its way and I plan to make it a month of new beginnings.

October has been a month of reflection and analyzing my life. Where am I going? What am I doing? What do I want from life? What's my next step? A lot of questions have been following me and seeking answers.

Where am I going?

Well on Thursday I am going to Seattle, Washington to check out my dream school and to see old friends. I am going to figured out if this life I have been dreaming of is really as grand as I think. I am going to be reminded how freeing it can be to escape life for a little bit and go on adventure. I am also being reminded of how important relationships are and that even with time and a lot of distance you still have friends wherever you turn. Wish me luck this week; a lot is at stake!

What am I doing?

I found myself on the lonely train during the month of October. People surrounded me, but I felt lonely for some reason. I got in the dumps and just settled there for the month. So now I am jumping off this train and choosing to see the good in every day, the good in my friends and family, and the good in lots of education. I always have a tendency to see the worst in anything and I am choosing to see the best for the month of November. Give me a slap if you notice me not doing this on here or in person.

What do I want from life?

Right now, I want to know my future. I want to be able to say that when I graduate this is what I am doing. I applied for schools in August and September and have just realized that I have not heard any decisions from them. I realize it might be too early for that, but I guess I just want an idea of whether the school wants me or not. So with that, I want answers and a game plan for next fall.

What's my next step?

I think I have mentioned most of those in this post, but I think my next step is to being 100% true to myself, friends, and family. I am great at lying to myself, but it has been so sobering to speak truth into myself. Therefore my goal is to speak truth into others and myself.

I also want to take Leaps of Faith for the month of November. If I think a guy is cute, I am going to tell him. If I find a shirt I just can't stop thinking of, I will buy it (assuming I can actually afford it with my college student budget). If I think I need to hear truth or a friend, I will say it without being concerned of how they are going to feel about me.

Leaps of faith: that's what the month of November is about.

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Oh goodness

Rainy days have not been my friend as of lately.

Today was another day where if it rains it pours and I found myself out of sorts all day.

I went to bed at 10 p.m. last night and still wound up waking up late for a class that I did not even have to attend at its regular time.  How does that even happen? With that said, that means I went to school in my pajama shirt, but I did manage to brush my teeth :)

However, I did not manage to realize it was going to be a cold and rainy day. I also did not realize I would spend an hour making phone calls for work to find out I had been giving out the wrong time for an event. To add to it, I have also been very worried for a dear friend of mine for the last two days and it is invading the worry side of me.

I finally gave into tears around 6 p.m. today and let the craziness of my day get the best of me.

 That big man upstairs must be trying to teach me something. Here are some of the things I think it could be.

-To be a good friend without having to know every detail.

-To learn how doing a good job does not mean it will always be enough.

-To learn to make sure I have covered my bases before I begin.

-Patience; why I ever prayed for this is beyond me.

-To remember not to get stuck in the comfortable lifestyle I live.

-That I do not always have to have a perfect day.

And the list could go on and on....

But to turn the mood around I want to ask a fun question:

What is your favorite child-hood memory.

Halloween always brings my favorite memory from child-hood to mind because it has to do with that theme during that time. My neighbor and I had the greatest imaginations and would create our own Halloween towns in our backyards with imaginary people galore. We would be witches who dates werewolves or vampires. We would fight to save our town from an evil warlock and make sure the humans never found out about our cool town. I remember spending hours playing Halloween Town and talking to people who never existed.

We also did this with the North Pole, but here's the twist. We were elf detectives who made sure no one found out if Santa really did exist and checked to see if people on the naughty list were really naught. I was always Holly and she was Ivy; the best fighting elf detectives in the world.

Oh to have the mind of a child again!

What about your favorite memory?

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Getting Lost

During my freshman year of college, my friends and I happened to go on what I like to call a "country drive." It is exactly what it sounds like, a drive through the country. It was a great study break or stress reliever to just hop in the car with your friends and go see the beauty of nature; however, the beauty begins to look the same after about 5 minutes driving through it. The beautiful state of Indiana includes lots of cornfields and that is all you begin to see after 5 minutes into your trip. At this point, we could have easily turned around and went back home, but we decided to make it more fun. We all took turns giving directions saying left, right, straight, and the occasional backwards to get us laughing.

Since my freshman year, my friends and I have participated in this stress reliever multiple times a year. It has been an experience where we have grown closer with deep talks or have vented all of frustrations with school, life, and the world. As I was thinking about the next time I experience one of these country drives, I realized a unique part of the journey we impart on.

My friends and I purposely get lost to see if we can find our way back home. It is a time to discover something new and to come back as a new person. Most of the time when I get lost it means I took a wrong path or turn and have found myself at a place I have never been. Sometimes that place is scary and other times its exciting. This idea of getting lost relates so much to my life. Many times I take a wrong turn and wind up in a dark alley at my lowest point; other times I take a right turn and am presented with a new opportunity.

It is so healthy to get lost in life to remind us of who we are, to find ourselves again. I do not know about you, but this idea of purposefully getting lost is something I hope to do once a year whether it is on purpose or not. I need to get lost so I can reach a wake-up call or remember that someone has a greater path than I could have imagined.

So here's my advice: Go get lost this week and find yourself.

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Snakes

So one thing you should know about me:

I am deathly afraid of snakes. 

Why?

I have no idea, but I will tell you that if I walk in tall grass I instantly think of snakes.

If there is a hole in the ground, you better bet a snake lives it.

And here is a very irrational thought, sometimes I even get nervous to go to the bathroom because I fear will come up and bite me.

Have I ever been bitten by a snake?

No, nor have I ever seen anyone else be bit by a snake.

Never the less, I am deathly afraid of snakes.

I am in abnormal psychology this semester and we are talking about phobias people have at the moment and I instantly started thinking about my fear of snakes which led to even deeper thoughts. I came to this conclusion that snakes have a deeper meaning than just themselves. The devil was a snake in the Garden of Eden and led to the world we live on today filled with deception, guilt, and fear. Yes, I am afraid of the actual reptile the snake, but I am also afraid of what the snake brings. I am nervous of the bite because I do not want to become evil and also become a snake. 

We talk a lot in my class about how to get over fears. Some say to sit in the room with the snakes until your anxiety or fear diminishes. Some say to hold the snake and feel it slither around on your arm. That is when it hit me that I do this with the Devil all the time. I sit in the temptation he slithers my way and sometimes I even grasp it and make it a part of my life. If I would not do this in my physical life, why would I do it in my spiritual life? This question shocked me and began to help me consider a lot of things going on in my life. I always have an opportunity to sit on a high throne and be righteous, but so many times I choose to lay on the ground amidst the dirt and be covered in filth. 

Royalty or peasantry?

Which have I chosen, which will I choose?

Which will you choose?

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Deep Question Time

Here's some questions I just feel I need to ask myself and by answering them on here allows me to go back and re-visit them, but also pushes me to look deeper into them.

What am I doing with my life?

I know some of the decisions I have made lately have been childish and purely selfish. I know it's wrong and that it does not better me at all; I also know this is something I am probably going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know I need to stop and stand strong and stop giving in. I know what's right, but it's hard to do what's right sometimes. Sometimes what is wrong feels good and feels better than what is right. Sometimes the right leaves us lonely and having to try hard and sometimes I just do not have the strength to do that. And sometimes the ghosts that haunt us seem to pop up when they know you are at your weakest. Sometimes I may be at my weakest, but I can say no, but sometimes I give in. I can see the big picture and I know I am working towards something greater than this moment, but the small picture is so much harder for me to see sometimes. 

So what are you going to do?

Keep trying? Is that too cliche to say? Does it even mean anything any more since I keep coming back from where I am trying to get away from? I know if I ask someone else that they will say you can always start over and over and over...but is there not a place you get to where starting over really means you don't start over? Am I making sense? I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that whatever I have been doing is not working and that I need a new game plan.

What's holding you down?

Guilt, shame, embarrassment, hurt, confusion, sin, desires, self-esteem, and so much more. That big word shame really gets me. It is just not easy to shake off.

What's keeping you going?

Love, a new beginning, God, friends, family, school, life in general. The big picture is my motivation.

So what's next?

Starting over, again. Getting stronger, again. Being honest, again. Trusting, again. Repeating the process, again with new ideas to help fight the dark place I can get in sometimes.

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Homecoming for the last time

 This is what my weekend consisted of: Lots of baby Aleena time!

 Making memories with some new friends.

 Annual homecoming game with some of my favorite people.

And the 3 best friends that anyone can have...and a baby.

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Preparing for the Future

My life as of lately has consisted so much of applying for Grad schools and studying hard to boost my G.P.A. for resumes along with getting involved in school and living up my senior year.

I find myself in class thinking about what's to come so often. I am a futuristic person and am always looking ahead, but sometimes I forget the big man up-stairs and the path he is paving for me.

Today I remembered Him and thought about what he could be doing. I have had lots of conversations with people about Seattle and I really do hope he is making that part of my path.

I realized I knew to prepare myself for the no that could come from the school, but it is a desire of my heart that it is hard for me to see if that could actually happen. 

All I know is that there are great works being prepared for me and I am trying to remember daily that I am in God's hands and he is for me.

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The Power of a Song

Have you ever heard a song that spoke so much truth...to you?

 

I was just working on my homework trying to find some new music to listen to and encountered this song.

 

I was gonna marry you

 

My heart tugged and reminded me of how I have felt these thoughts before.

 

I spoke to a friends this week about relationships and the idea of how it takes lots of time to get over someone you care deeply for. Someone once told me it takes as long as you had a relationship with the person to get over them. I am not sure if this is just the dating relationship or the entire relationship in its whole, but if its true, that is a lot of time.

And then I thought about how it has taken some of my friends time or big events to get over someone, but with even that we can never simply say we are over them for we will forever carry them with us.

 

One friend had to get pregnant to move on from the relationship.

 

One friend had to practice being single and secure in her self to get over her relationship.

 

I needed him to get married to finally move on.

 

We are relational beings and place so much on the relationships in our lives. If you are in the shoes of a recent break-up or still trying to move on from a relationship, I am here to let you know you are not alone. We have all been there and some of us are still there.

 

The memory may always stay, but you will find someone new and eventually the person for you.

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