Deep Question Time

Here's some questions I just feel I need to ask myself and by answering them on here allows me to go back and re-visit them, but also pushes me to look deeper into them.

What am I doing with my life?

I know some of the decisions I have made lately have been childish and purely selfish. I know it's wrong and that it does not better me at all; I also know this is something I am probably going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know I need to stop and stand strong and stop giving in. I know what's right, but it's hard to do what's right sometimes. Sometimes what is wrong feels good and feels better than what is right. Sometimes the right leaves us lonely and having to try hard and sometimes I just do not have the strength to do that. And sometimes the ghosts that haunt us seem to pop up when they know you are at your weakest. Sometimes I may be at my weakest, but I can say no, but sometimes I give in. I can see the big picture and I know I am working towards something greater than this moment, but the small picture is so much harder for me to see sometimes. 

So what are you going to do?

Keep trying? Is that too cliche to say? Does it even mean anything any more since I keep coming back from where I am trying to get away from? I know if I ask someone else that they will say you can always start over and over and over...but is there not a place you get to where starting over really means you don't start over? Am I making sense? I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that whatever I have been doing is not working and that I need a new game plan.

What's holding you down?

Guilt, shame, embarrassment, hurt, confusion, sin, desires, self-esteem, and so much more. That big word shame really gets me. It is just not easy to shake off.

What's keeping you going?

Love, a new beginning, God, friends, family, school, life in general. The big picture is my motivation.

So what's next?

Starting over, again. Getting stronger, again. Being honest, again. Trusting, again. Repeating the process, again with new ideas to help fight the dark place I can get in sometimes.

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The Power of a Song

Have you ever heard a song that spoke so much truth...to you?

 

I was just working on my homework trying to find some new music to listen to and encountered this song.

 

I was gonna marry you

 

My heart tugged and reminded me of how I have felt these thoughts before.

 

I spoke to a friends this week about relationships and the idea of how it takes lots of time to get over someone you care deeply for. Someone once told me it takes as long as you had a relationship with the person to get over them. I am not sure if this is just the dating relationship or the entire relationship in its whole, but if its true, that is a lot of time.

And then I thought about how it has taken some of my friends time or big events to get over someone, but with even that we can never simply say we are over them for we will forever carry them with us.

 

One friend had to get pregnant to move on from the relationship.

 

One friend had to practice being single and secure in her self to get over her relationship.

 

I needed him to get married to finally move on.

 

We are relational beings and place so much on the relationships in our lives. If you are in the shoes of a recent break-up or still trying to move on from a relationship, I am here to let you know you are not alone. We have all been there and some of us are still there.

 

The memory may always stay, but you will find someone new and eventually the person for you.

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Past

There is something about the past that is intriguing to us as humans. Maybe it is the fact that it holds so much with it or because its a part of our life that we can review and look over. Whatever the reason, I found myself spending today looking back on the past and I realized a very hard thing.

I am different.

I am different in so many ways that it was hard to look at the person I was. I had so much faith, belief, trust, and love. Now that is all gone. I've become hopeless, cynical, doubtful, and so much more. I had a very strong faith in high school and now I do not and while I understand some of the reasons for that I am still sad. I am sad that I have allowed myself to become this person I am. I get mad for little things, I despise individuals for ridiculous things, and I choose not to learn from the mistakes of my past.

I realized I have a lot to change in my life. I miss that person I was in high school and while I know I will never be that same person again, I desire to find a way to be that person during this time. I want to have hope, love, trust, belief, and faith again. I want to wake up and be thanking a higher being for allowing me to have another day. I want to let silly disagreements roll of my shoulders. I want to let go of the control I have on my life and trust a greater being with it.

I want to cherish this life!

Starting over has been what I talk about a lot in my posts, but something clicked today that made it clear on who I have become.

Dear God,

Please let me rid of this ugly person. A person who seeks for reasons not to like some. A person who sees the worst in everyone. A person who does not know what love means anymore. Bring back a person who allows people to shine and make mistakes. A person who remembers that no one is perfect. And a person who is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, is not self-seeking, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

A person who allows love to never fail.

Amen.

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