Fight Song

Press play NOW!

I discovered this song the other day and I cannot get enough of it.

It's my song for the period of life I feel like I am right now.

I think we are always fighting for ourselves for different reasons.

Sometimes its for a job we've been seeking, sometimes its for health, and other times its to get the best deal possible. 

Right now I've just been fighting to be a better me. 

That means I've been trying to eat better.

I've been recording the food I eat, recording my workouts, weighing in every week, and making smart food choices. 

I am fighting for a healthier me.

I've also been fighting for my voice.

School has taught me that I am often afraid to let myself be heard whether that's my thoughts, feelings or ideas. 

I'm fighting for myself to be able to trust that what I have to say is important and meaningful.

I'm fighting for my relationship.

Nothing is wrong with Brad and I, but I am fighting to be a better fiance everyday.

I'm trying to be more conscious with my words asking myself if I am being encouraging, if I am listening, and if I am building him up rather than tearing him down. 

I could keep going on with the things I am fighting for, but it's not necessary.

I hope this song encourages you like it did me.

What are you fighting for?

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Checking In

I realize I have been missing from here for a few weeks now.

So I am checking in to say I am alive.

I have been pretty busy with:

1. Wedding Planning: This stuff ain't easy!

2. Traveling: A trip to England with a blog post to come within the month!

3. School: Only about a month left of this term and I am trying to get ahead of the game. So far I have been very successful.

To give you something pretty to look at, check out what I've been dying to make a part of my wedding:

Glitter Table Cloths. Our colors are purple and gold and I need these!

 I want my nephews to dress like this so bad. Little secret service men!

 I cannot wear heals so sandals will be my shoes. These are so cute!

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Current Thoughts

I've got to say it. I have missed blogging. For the last few months it seems like I've written one post a month and I miss my every day blogging. But I also haven't had any ideas to write about. I've been writing paper after paper for school and it seems like it takes all the words I have to say even if they are not the words I want to write about. I haven't stopped reading my favorite blogs and I am a little jealous that they do not have to waste all their words writing papers. 

I guess I am back in the mode again where I am questioning whether being in school is a good idea or not. I've been considering taking a semester off to see what it would be like, but I don't like the idea of being a semester behind. I keep coming back to the curiosity of if I will actually become a counselor after I graduate or not. Yes, I like what I am learning, but I guess I am wondering if that is enough to keep me going. I'm good at school. I get my assignments in on time, I do my best to pay attention in class, and I am letting what I am learning sink in.

Its just so mundane. I've been at this for 17 years now. That's a long time to be studying, sitting at a desk or table, and listening to someone else teach you about the one thing you want to do. And then I realize any thing I really want to do requires time in school. If I stopped doing counseling, I'd want to be an event planner, but that also requires more time in school. I also want to get into the matchmaking field but that also requires some kind of certificate. 

I don't want to work in the restaurant industry forever. Yes, the money is really great, but its not become mundane. Maybe I am just nervous that counseling will become mundane after I spend a few years in the field. Maybe I am nervous that I'll never be satisfied? The thoughts are overwhelming. With school, these are constantly running through my head. It's a lot to hold altogether. 

And this is where I've come to:

I'm not sure what feels right at the moment, but I'm looking to discover it.

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Thoughts in My Head

When Christmas break roles around, I tend to find myself thinking a lot about everything.

Lately the thoughts have been about school and the future.

For some reason, I am having such a hard time wanting to be in school and finish it.

Maybe it's because I needed to take a year off, but then I think about working in a restaurant full-time and I have no desire whatsoever to do that. 

I spent two hours yesterday looking at jobs that I would be willing to drop out of school for, but they all resulted in me needing a masters. Being in school is the only way I can do my dream and it's a little frustrating. I have always been a hands own learner. Lecturing has never been my way of learning. While I love what I am being taught, I want to run out the door and use it.

Yes, of course I can do exactly that, but I want to start my future. I want to start counseling and working the 9-5 hours. Is that weird?

"The best things in life cannot be rushed."

"Don't rush something you want to last forever."

Is it wrong that I want to rush through grad school so I can finally start what I have been working on so hard for the last five years? I just want to start the dream that is in my head.

I am loving life and where I am at, but its hard to stop my mind from wondering about whats to come. I finished my first semester much better than I thought which is encouragement to keep going.

Am I the only 22 year old feeling this way or is this exactly what every 22 year old goes through at this age?

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Some Questions Before 2014

Found these questions to be inspiring and reflective and thought I'd share my responses with you all.

1.) What am I most proud of this year?

I finally actually did what I said I would do for the past two years and moved to Seattle for graduate school. I left the life I was used to and threw myself into a new world that I have come to love so much. 

2.) How can I become a better person?

Continue to be more self-aware and work on the goals I have for myself such as:

shop less

save more

rest often

love deeper

give better

3.) Where am I feeling stuck?

I am not feeling stuck anywhere at the moment and that may be a first in my life.

4.) Where do I need to allow myself grace?

School. I am in a graduate program that focuses less on the textbook answer and more on your personal discovery process. I realize I see the negative in me more than the positive and it is time to remember how beautiful I am. 

5.) Am I passionate about my career?

Yes and no. Counseling is still a desire, but I may not be as passionate for it as I used to be. Right now the goal is just to get through graduate school and then see what happens.

6.) What lessons have I learned?

Life always involves risk so go for it.

Love is always hungry and will never be satiated.

We all have stories that can explain us and the life we come from.

Distance can pull you together.

Growing up is hard.

7.) What did my finances look like?

The beginning of the year there was no finances, but now that I have a great paying job there is money to provide for myself and work on planning a future for me. 

8.) How did I spend my free time?

Lots of Ellen video watching, shopping, and working.

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The Power of Words

I was thinking today about the power our words have and some phrases that can make all the difference. I have had a lot of truth spoken into me lately and it's not always easy to hear. And I started to think about the words that occur in most of our lives that can be life-changing.

"I love you."

Love is that thing we are always searching, striving, and desiring for/of. Hearing the words from a mother, father, friend, lover, husband, etc. can make all the difference in your day. And it's amazing what saying that phrase can communicate to someone. I think of those words and what they mean to me: that I am cared for, that I am appreciated, that I am wanted/needed, that I am loved.

"I'm sorry."

Saying this is probably the hardest phrase I know to say, but I know the value of it. To admit your wrong and to truly want forgiveness is powerful. And to have the strength to say this to someone takes a lot of humbling.

"I forgive you."

I know I have said this so many times, but I do not always mean it. To actually let go of a transgression against me takes a lot of work. This is a phrase that is much more of an action than a statement. To forgive asks you to let go of what was done against you and to not return to it. Easier said then done.

What are some words or phrases that are powerful for you?

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Love: My Life Theme

So for school this week, I had to write a paper called "The Tragedy Paper."

Yes, it is as terrifying as it sounds. Now, this post is not going to go into detail about that paper because it will take at least a year of counseling and probably three years of school before I feel comfortable talking about it.

I am going to talk about the theme of my life that I discovered from that paper.

It really was not too surprising for me, but the way it revolves around my entire life was. 

So the life theme for me is Love. 

Sounds great right?

Well, what I've learned from school is that love is a craving or a hunger that can never be fulfilled.

Once you get an ounce of it, you want another ounce, and another. 

Find love today and you will want even more love tomorrow.

It sounds like you'll never be satisfied, right?

And that's what I struggled with.

What if the love I got today is all I will get?

Can I be okay with that?

I feel like the obvious answer is no because I will always want more.

And then I thought about love in my relationships.

I seek it out, I perform tasks to receive, and I give much of myself to get more back.

It's a fuel that pushes me but also pulls me. 

I desire love and seek it out. I've been searching for it for a long time.

Yes, I have found it so many times, but I have also missed it so many times.

Writing this portion of my paper started to make me question the mission of being love in my life.

Why would I live out a life of love if it may never be enough?

And then I realized I would much rather live a life constantly craving love than a life that has no desire to find it.

What's your life theme and what does it say about you?

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The Girl in the Window Sill

She climbs onto the sill and sits looking out the window. 

She watches the people move about, the cars pass by, and sun-rise turn to sun-set. 

She sits thinking about all the possibilities in her life. 

What will I do when my time is done here?

Will this be my home forever?

What significant things will happen in the next three years?

She thinks about the past and how it has brought her to where she is today.

Because of him I learned how to move on.

Because of her I know what a true friend looks like.

Because of family, I have learned to how to love imperfect people.

And as she thinks her mind wanders in and out of many thoughts.

She catches herself sometimes and reminds herself to just breathe.

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

As she breathes, she's reminded of the goodness.

The goodness of having another day to start again.

The goodness of community.

Of love.

Of faith.

Of hope.

And she finds herself happy.

--I was inspired to take a break from school and throw myself into writing. To write about this girl that I may wish was me or includes many parts of myself. Sometimes there is just beauty in being willing to enter into writing without having any idea where the words will flow.--

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MIA Blogger

So I realize I have been missing from the blogging world lately.

Yes, I have been writing a post every few weeks because that is all I can really handle in my life at the moment. School asks a lot of me and requires I do a lot of personal work which is not easy.

I spend most of my days just exhausted--sometimes its physically, other times mentally, and most of the time emotionally. When I think about writing a post, I just cannot even comprehend what to write about.

I guess I want to apologize, but I also do not want to. I think taking a break from blogging every day has been good. I read a quote today that said those who take time to write usually are more profound than those who find it easy to write. I am not saying those who have lots to say are not profound, but this is a quote that seems to be reflecting my life lately.

I write paper after paper and my words are becoming few. So many thoughts come out of my mind each week that it is sometimes too difficult to engage in anything else. I do want to say thank you to all of you though. Coming and reading your posts gives me a break from school and allows me to find rest. Most of the time it brings laughter and a smile to my face which I am so appreciative of. 

I am not sure if I will ever return to my "blog post every day" day's. For now, blogging when I feel truly inspired will have to be enough and I am okay with that.

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The life of a crier...

So have you seen this video before?

Well, if you haven't, click play right now. Then re-watch it after you stop laughing.

Now let me explain why I used this video to describe the life of a crier.

As Kristen says so delicately, "If I am not between a 3 and a 7, then I am crying."

Well, this is the life of a crier. If I am not in those levels, then I can guarantee you can find me crying away. 

If I am angry, sad, happy, frustrated, laughing too hard, choking...whatever it is, I am crying.

You can also find me crying if someone else is or trying to fight the urge to break into tears.

For some odd reason, the big man upstairs deciding to grace me with the ability to cry in all circumstances and sometimes for no reason what so ever.

One day I was doing the laundry and started crying for no reason what-so-ever!

Are any of you bloggers out there criers too? 

Or am I the only one in this gang?

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Dear Rachel

We need to have a talk.

 

Your life has been busy, there is no argument there.

You moved across the country, started graduate school, and began a new job.

You moved into a house with four strangers, you've spent time getting to know people in your program and outside of it.

 

You spend many hours reading, few hours sleeping. and many moments not appreciating.

You keep wanting to jump ahead, but I think you need to slow down and smell the roses.

Yes, I just told you to smell the roses. Pump the brakes and just stop for a minute. Stand outside and appreciate the weather, listen to what your roommate is sharing with you, and be aware of your surroundings.

 

I know you love being busy and all, but just stop it.

Just breathe. Just rest. Just be.

 

The future will still be there if you do this. Your tomorrow is still being granted to you.

Can you just say thank you for this minute, this hour, this day?

Can you just let life be and welcome what is given to you?

 

I want you to love yourself through these changes in your life and to give yourself some grace.

Sometimes you're not going to make the best choices, actually, you're going to make some pretty bad ones, but its okay. Get up, brush the dirt of your knees, and start again.

Forgive yourself and love yourself.

You are not perfect nor were you created to be.

You are human and with that comes the actions of being human.

 

Love yourself dear friend, love yourself.

 

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Life Learnings

Let's just say this is not an easy post for me to write because it includes something that I am sad to admit. I have always thought I was that great girl to date--you know the one who is laid back, doesn't care if you take your time, and makes dating easy. Well, apparently not!

I have realized recently that I am bad at allowing people(ahem-guys) to pursue me. I guess I'm what you could call an alpha female. And not that there is anything wrong with being a strong female, but I have slowly come to realize that as a female I need to allow the male population to pursue me.

Why should I do that?

Because I am tired of being the one that makes a relationship happen. I shouldn't have to "make" it happen, I should allow it to happen. Yes, I need to do my part--show my interest, flirt, express how I feel. I don't have to be the one who starts the DTR talk or ask the guy out.

I am not sure how to describe it, but there is something feminine about allowing a man to express his interest with you naturally. Does anyone know what I am talking about or understand?

Can anybody relate? 

I guess I am going through this phase in life where I feel like I have to have it all. Is this a natural feeling for college graduates? 

I keep reminding myself to just breathe and let life come. 

I've finally realized to stop and live life. I fought myself from taking a work shift because I knew I could make good money, but I needed a break and so I told myself no. 

I am sorry this turned into just life and the stuff I am dealing with. Can anyone just assure me that I am okay and I'm where every typical 22 year old is at in life?

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Conviction

With my move out from Anderson and preparing for a move to Seattle, I have been going through things deciding what I can live without or cannot live without. In the process, I ran across pictures from friends of all walks of life and the memories began to fill my mind. There are countless stories of adventure and fun, but I was also reminded of the pain and hurt from these relationships. Over the years, we have changed-some of us still have friendships today and others of us not so much or at all. 

Through the process I was able to see my role in these fall-outs and it saddened me that I got caught up in the drama or that I instilled pain/hurt into these individuals who were so close to me. While I fully believe we have individuals in our lives for all different kinds of seasons, it does not dull the fact that they were once important to me and that it was a relationship I cherished. 

I was convicted of the pain or hurt I was still carrying. They say grudges age you immensely and I do not want wrinkles on my face to show those grudges. I want laugh marks and smile lines. My point is to say that whether the relationship is gone or still going, remember the good times. The bad times or tough times can shape you, but they are not what matter in the end. In the end, its important to remember what they added to your life, what they taught you, what they meant to you and what they mean to their creator.

Cherish life, cherish those around you, and cherish the life you've been given. 

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Dream Job

Well, we got cable this past week to keep our Internet bill from jumping up by $40 dollars. It really is a horrible time to get it as we have 3 weeks of school left which is filled with papers, finals, and great spring weather. I am reminded how much more productive I am when there is not t.v.

Despite that, I have loved having the opportunity to watch some of my favorite reality t.v. shows and my number one as of lately is The Millionaire Matchmaker.

I love Patty and I love match-making. The woman can be harsh and scary at times, but she has sass which is something I admire. I wish I could have her career of matching those looking for love together. I feel like I could use both my business and psychology degree in a career like this one.

Some things I would do differently than Patty:

1.) Not yell at my clients.- Yikes! This woman can be so scary when her clients do not follower her rules. Yes, they agree to the rules, but I do not know why her anger increases her clientele.

2.) Only match millionaire's- Everyone needs to find love, I am not limiting that to those with big wallets.

3.) The Call out- The poor women that come to her call out's. I do not think some of them even see it coming. I definitely would be more open to who I select and not just disregard those girls who do not fit perfectly.

If only this job wasn't taken....



 

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Women vs. Men

Sometimes we have a lot of free time during our serving shifts and we of course have various conversations. This week four of us talked about the differences between males and females when it came to giving checks at the tables. We concluded that females split checks while males just take one check. So of course we asked, why do women do that? And we concluded it is because women do not want to feel like they owe anyone anything.

I began to think about my own life and whether this is true. Do I not want to owe anyone anything? I thought about my closest friendships and I did not see this applying. My best friend and I take turns paying for things; we have an understanding that the other will have our back if we need it.

It seems like women have a lack of trust for each other and I wonder why. Shouldn't we come together as a gender and support each other and have faith in each other? What happened to the trust? When did we stop supporting each other?

I am not saying this one instance speaks to all levels of trust, but I am slowly realizing that women are missing the trust. We are more of an individualistic community rather than a collectivist and I think we need to move more toward the collectivist side. We need to believe and have faith in each other and work towards bettering everyone and not just ourselves.

Just a thought on humanity and what's to come.

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Urband Dictionary

In high school, Urban Dictionary was the thing to do. So I decided to take a walk down memory lane and re-visit what my name means.

1.) The most edible female name.

Well, no one has yet to tell me I have the most edible name yet. I'm sure my boyfriend will now that he's read this.

2. A smart, sassy, and sexy young woman who knows things from fashion to film to literature, from Manolo Blahniks to Mahatma Gandhi.

Smart, sassy, and sexy-Definitely the 3 S's to describe me.

3.) Hebrew name meaning "an ewe," or "little lamb." Symbolizes purity.

Well seeing as I took a vow to purity I think this got it right.

4.) A girl who isn't afraid to speak her mind or be herself. Watch out boys, she's a heart-breaker. A girl who won't settle for anything but the best, but rightfully so. She doesn't need a man to have a good time.

I do like to think I am okay being single. But heart-breaker? We might be pushing it.

5.) She's the friend you call at 2 a.m. when you need someone to tell you that every thing's going to be ok. Sweet, comforting, and a great listener.

Maybe not at 2 a.m. but I'd like to think you could call me and I will listen to you and help you in whatever way I can.

6.) A Rachel is a kind, caring, sweet person. She can come off as naive at first, but if you get to know her, you will realize that she know's a lot. A Rachel is a great person to have fun with. Sarcastic at times, but not in a mean way. A Rachel is a great friend, and would die for her best friends. She worries about her friends and family, and is scared that something will happen to them. She does what she thinks can help, and is great for giving advise to people, not so great at following her own advise. Sometimes Rachel's are misunderstood, and sensitive to little things. Although sensitive, she will defend herself and it is not a good idea to get on the bad side of a Rachel. With a creative mind, and a wild imagination, a Rachel can use her mad ideas for creative things, as well as plans for revenge. She will defend her music, art, friends and family like her life depended on it. Usually an animal lover, and great at art, a Rachel is a smart, loyal, caring person, who will listen to people complaining about everything and not wish to interrupt with her problems. She can be shy and quiet but is usually hyper and loud, with her friends. She will love to laugh and says the wackiest things, to make people laugh. She is an amazing person, with sparkling eyes and a thin small frame. Cute, cuddly, huggable and sweet, a Rachel is an amazing person to know, and better yet to be friends with, as she cares for everyone's problems.

Well I think that one nailed me on the dot.



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Spring Break 2013

Well it is spring break for me which means I am spending the week trying to stay afloat.

 

I have spent the last three days working double and triple shifts along with looking for barista jobs for the summer.

 

With that said, I am going to spend my time this week being away from my blog to enjoy time with family, my friends, my boyfriend, and my favorite little thing called Netflix.

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Defending Yourself

Some weeks I find a re-occurring theme going on in my life. This week it has been the idea of defending yourself or your thoughts and beliefs. I am in a class where I train students interpersonal skills and this week it was responding to defensiveness. I also have been having to defend myself in my Women in the Arts class. My professor gave us a test last week that we just turned in this week. I expressed my frustration with her answer key last week as she disagree with answers that were in the book which was our source to study from.

 

After a heated discussion she let the class go and pulled me aside to discuss my frustration. To be honest, I left the room annoyed and quite angry with her. It seemed like she thought I was the only one with the problem and that I was not understanding what she was saying. I never said I did not understand, but that I did not agree. She came back with saying I needed to defend myself. I stepped back trying to distance myself from my teacher because I was defending myself and realized the conversation was going nowhere.

 

Yesterday she chose a video to watch in class and spoke to me individually. The conversation was odd again. It seemed to me that she chose the video directly because of me and we came back to me not understanding again.

 

I felt at a loss with this woman. I was trying to defend myself and she continued to keep telling me to defend my beliefs. We have spent a lot of class time talking about how we have to defend ourselves as women since men have more power in this world, but I realized how much we have to defend ourselves with other women. I do believe women have to work hard in this world due to our continuance of trying to have equality with men; however, I think we need to remember whom we may be pushing out of the way as we defend ourselves. Are we pushing other women away? Putting them down? Where is the real power struggle?

 

I guess my point is that you should always stand up for what you believe in and own your opinion, but be aware of how your defense may attack another's. 

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The Evolution of Time

My roommate and I have been talking about how we have changed over the last for years. We've changed personality wise, look wise, and faith wise.

 

Freshman year:

My style was jeans and sweat shirts. I was studying youth leadership. I dated a guy named Trent who went to a different school and I spend the majority of my weekends at AU or in Angola. I went to Zumba every Thursday at 5 p.m., Floor Dinner on Monday's, and bible study on Wednesday. My favorite class was with Todd Faulkner teaching Into to Church Ministries which I took with Tessa. The biggest lesson I learned is to be carefree and have fun. I really lived up this year.

 

Sophomore Year:

Well this was an interesting year. I served on leadership staff as a Discipleship Coordinator. I changed my major to Psychology and Business Management. I lived the single life this year and tried developing friendships. We became friends with some pretty cool people and we lost some friendships. Biggest lesson: God sends some big waves to rock your boat, but if you hold on long enough he pulls you through.

 



Junior Year:

The year of surprises! Michelle was pregnant, I decided I wanted to move to Washington, and some more drama filled our lives. I was a Psychology and now a Business Administration major. We took a trip to California and welcomed in a new member to our friendship. Biggest life lesson: Three strands are not easily broken.

Senior Year:

The year of hair change-light brown, red, to dark brown. Business and Psychology major. Lightest semester loads. Took a week off from school to complete my graduate school interview. Met a boy at a party who after a few months turned into the guy I am dating. I make the big decisions to move to Washington for grad school. Spontaneity and living life up is of importance. Biggest life lesson: Sometimes your plans change, be willing to see where life takes you.

 



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Trust

In my Organization Behavior class yesterday, we talked about the issue of trust.

This sparked a question in my head: Do we give our trust or loan it?

My teacher believes in loaning our trust meaning we can take it back at any instance. While I see his point, I am not sure how you can truly trust someone when you are waiting to have to take it back. It's kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy in its self. If I think you're going to lose my trust, then I am going to be on the lookout for the instance to take it away from you.

I lean on the side that trust is something you give with no take-backs. I think trust has to be given without expecting anything in return. It is a gift of saying I have faith in you, in this friendship, in this relationship, etc. After giving it, it comes down to the other person deciding on how they want to use it. They can either cherish and demonstrate the trust you have in them or they can let it fade away which usually means a fade away in the relationship.

I really only started thinking like this today. I've never really put much thought into trust other than that fact it can disappear very quickly. 

I'm curious of what you think. Do you believe its something you loan out or something you give without expectations?

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