Some Questions Before 2014

Found these questions to be inspiring and reflective and thought I'd share my responses with you all.

1.) What am I most proud of this year?

I finally actually did what I said I would do for the past two years and moved to Seattle for graduate school. I left the life I was used to and threw myself into a new world that I have come to love so much. 

2.) How can I become a better person?

Continue to be more self-aware and work on the goals I have for myself such as:

shop less

save more

rest often

love deeper

give better

3.) Where am I feeling stuck?

I am not feeling stuck anywhere at the moment and that may be a first in my life.

4.) Where do I need to allow myself grace?

School. I am in a graduate program that focuses less on the textbook answer and more on your personal discovery process. I realize I see the negative in me more than the positive and it is time to remember how beautiful I am. 

5.) Am I passionate about my career?

Yes and no. Counseling is still a desire, but I may not be as passionate for it as I used to be. Right now the goal is just to get through graduate school and then see what happens.

6.) What lessons have I learned?

Life always involves risk so go for it.

Love is always hungry and will never be satiated.

We all have stories that can explain us and the life we come from.

Distance can pull you together.

Growing up is hard.

7.) What did my finances look like?

The beginning of the year there was no finances, but now that I have a great paying job there is money to provide for myself and work on planning a future for me. 

8.) How did I spend my free time?

Lots of Ellen video watching, shopping, and working.

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Surviving Grad School 101

Today is the day I can finally say I survived my first semester of graduate school.

Only 8 semesters to go! Oh boy!

This time last year I was playing with the idea of moving to Seattle to start this crazy school and a few weeks later made the commitment to attend. For those of you considering the graduate school student life, here are some ways to survive.

1.) You MUST become best friends with Starbucks or some kind of coffee joint. This is the only way you will survive off the lack of sleep that ensues from working and doing school because lets be real--you can't go to graduate school and not have a job unless your dad is Mr. Banks. 

2.) Have a day that you say is for extra studying, but is actually for extra sleep, laundry doing, showering longer than 8 minutes, or for shopping. Thursdays were my day off from work, my day to go to counseling, and my day to walk into Target without any guilt. Yes, I tended to study because I am an over-achiever, but it was nice to know I didn't have to.

3.) Make a YouTube playlist every month. Have a song that you can't get out of your head? Play it on repeat while you write paper after paper. Seriously, I made a playlist of maybe just five songs each month and listened to them over and over again.

4.) Have people who do not want to talk about your degree program. For me, this happened to my boyfriend. He always asked me about my program, but luckily psychology language is not his first language so he allowed me to disengage from it when I chose.

5.) Have a great support system. My friends have been great in encouraging me and making sure I am surviving. You need someone to call you to make sure you are up in time for your test or to turn in your paper. 

6.) Watch Ellen videos at least twice a week. When you need a break from studying, go watch her. She will give you that quick laugh fix you need to stay sane.

7.) Be okay with surfing the internet while sitting in class. For some reason, grad classes seem to be freaking long. But guess what?! You are an adult and can choose to give yourself a five minute break of surfing the web when you can't focus anymore. Do NOT feel guilty for it.

8.) TREAT YO SELF! My friends from Parks and Recreation taught me this. Finished a paper and craving Qdoba? TREAT YO SELF. You read a chapter for class? TREAT YO SELF TO ELLEN. You finished finals? TREAT YO SELF TO THAT FORMAL DRESS FOR THAT FORMAL EVENT WITH YOUR MAN.

And this is how you survive the first semester. 

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Dear Christy, Katie, and Kara

I started reading the last installment to one of my favorite book series and realized I have some words to share with some of my favorite non-fictional characters.

Christy Miller Series by Robin Jones Gunn

Dear Christy,

       Where do I even start? I envisioned being you in high school. I wanted to have the strong faith you had and the guy who is willing to wait to date you until you both feel as if God is ready for it. I strove to wait for my own Todd and for a guy who is as great as him. I studied my bible, went to youth group, went on missions trips, and prayed like it was my job because that's what you did. I had fights with my best friend about whether I was more like Christy or Katie and I truly believe I was you in real life. Who knows, maybe I am. Because of you I now cannot date a guy who is unbeliever, doesn't love my family, or who is not willing to wait for me. I don't know whether to thank you or cry because it's going to take some time to find him. All I know is you made me a better person and still do when I reminiscence about our days together.

Love Rachel

Katie Weldon Series by Robin Jones Gunn

Dear Katie,

     I love you! To be honest, I think I am more like you than Christy. We have the spunk, the random freak outs, and the awkwardness thing going for us. Plus it helps I was once a red-head as well and I have dated some duds too. You have been my favorite character to turn to when it comes to my life. You have your honest doubts about faith, you questions whether the next step is really meant to be, and you have the strength to end a relationship that could workout in the future because your desire to follow God's will for you personally is more important. I do not even know how to thank you for your current wisdom and encouragement to continue down the path I am going. You, my friend, have been a life-savior and a reminder to keep fighting for what you believe in and want.

Love Rachel

The Guy I'm Not Dating by Trish Perry

Dear Kara,

      Oh my friend, we have had some great laughs. You are me and I am you. We are clumsy, hilarious, and down-to-earth. We both have given up on dating to fulfill God's desire for whats best for us. We both say things out loud we shouldn't and we both interpret situations in the wrong way at times. What I love most about you is your prayer-warrior status. If something is wrong, you turn to prayer and I wish I still did that. When I am down in my luck, I remember you and your faithfulness to God and then I pray. You are inspiration that not-dating can lead to marriage; friendship is more important and that more can blossom when you take your time. Thanks for always making me laugh out loud and reminding me I have something better in store for my life.

Your dear friend Rachel

Do you all have book characters that you find yourself connecting to so well? Who are they and whats the book? I'd love to check them out

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The Power of Words

I was thinking today about the power our words have and some phrases that can make all the difference. I have had a lot of truth spoken into me lately and it's not always easy to hear. And I started to think about the words that occur in most of our lives that can be life-changing.

"I love you."

Love is that thing we are always searching, striving, and desiring for/of. Hearing the words from a mother, father, friend, lover, husband, etc. can make all the difference in your day. And it's amazing what saying that phrase can communicate to someone. I think of those words and what they mean to me: that I am cared for, that I am appreciated, that I am wanted/needed, that I am loved.

"I'm sorry."

Saying this is probably the hardest phrase I know to say, but I know the value of it. To admit your wrong and to truly want forgiveness is powerful. And to have the strength to say this to someone takes a lot of humbling.

"I forgive you."

I know I have said this so many times, but I do not always mean it. To actually let go of a transgression against me takes a lot of work. This is a phrase that is much more of an action than a statement. To forgive asks you to let go of what was done against you and to not return to it. Easier said then done.

What are some words or phrases that are powerful for you?

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The Gift of Tears

I read a chapter from a book by Alan Jones about The Gift of Tears and it has truly gave grace to my tears. Here are some quotes I took from the reading.  

"Crying is a natural phenomenon and the withholding of tears appears to be dangerous to health"

-NY Times

"Whoever can weep over himself for one hour is greater than the one who is able to teach the whole world."

-Issac of Ninve

"Tears are a gift. Tears flow when the real source of our life is uncovered, when the mask of pretense is dropped, when our strategies of self-deception are abandoned."

"Christianity claims that nothing else matters, but love."

"The gift of tears has to do with both life and joy, for the sake of the restructuring of our identity, for the re-ordering of our self-understanding."

Could my tears be the connection to God?

"Tears also contribute to the building up of the kingdom of God."

"An unsatisfied desire which is itself more desirable than any other satisfaction. I call it joy."

-C.S. Lewis

"Learning to love without possession and finding that one is loved without condition is what it is to receive the gift of tears and to be surprised by joy."

"The gift of tears is a sign of the mending of creation."

"Tears are inevitable. Tears soften, clarify, and open."

"When the believer begins to see just how much she is loved, the tears flow."

"The soul is restored through tears."

"Tears are the means by which we have the chance to see things differently and be rescued from whatever little hell we may have chosen for ourselves."

"Our weeping is caused by the love of God."

"Tears give love a chance to happen."

"A face bathed with tears has an undying beauty."

"To know one is standing in the grace and love of God is what the gift of tears is all about."

I highly encourage everyone to read chapter 4 about the gift of tears. It is beautiful and if you are a crier, it brings beauty to your tears. 

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So did I tell you I have a boyfriend?

In case you did not know, I did some dating when I moved to Washington.

And by did some, I mean quite a few.

My first few weeks were plan-less and meeting new people sounded like fun so I took a risk and tried OkCupid! after a friend had suggested it.

To save my boo's identity a little bit, I will call him B*. 

B* and I started off texting and he asked me to hangout twice before I finally said yes the third time. We met at Red Robbin because I was craving myself some sweet potato fries. 

When he walked in, I was first shocked at how tall he was. I'm 5'2 and B* is at least 6'2. A giant compared to me. He also looked like a southern boy which you do not see many of them out here so I was instantly loving him. Did I mention he has red hair? Yeah, I was in heaven.

So dinner started and the boy sure knows how to talk. It was the most naturally flowing conversation and I loved it. It wasn't me having to do all the "get to know you" work. He actually wanted to get to know me. From dinner we went to Alki beach to grab some ice cream. I was freaking out about his awesome ride and I am sure he was just trying to get me to look up so he could see my face.

He drove me home like any gentleman would do and then met my roommate which proceeded to even more talking. Our second date did not go so well, but we won't go there. Thanks to his lovely mother who talked some sense into him, he gave me another chance and we've been pretty inseparable since. 

And here's why:

1.) The boy loves the laugh I make that I think would scare any man away. He keeps trying to get me to laugh like that again because he thinks its cute.

2.) He will race me to doors so that he can open them for me because he knows I sometimes am too independent to let him do it.

3.) He won't let me quit school even though some days I highly consider it.

4.) The boy talks! I mean he is really good at this and not in a bad way. He actually enters into deep conversations with me because he wants too. No teeth-pulling here.

5.) He acts like a southern boy all the time. I love it!

6.) Did I mention he has red hair? I am such a sucker for the red-heads. 

7.) I have cowgirl boots and he has a cowboy hat. Could we be any more perfect?

8.) The boy is honest to a T. Even if I don't ask, he is going to tell me. Yes, sometimes it shocks me but then I laugh and remind myself how nice it is to have someone so straight-forward like me.

I could go on and on, but I think that's enough sap for today.

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Love: My Life Theme

So for school this week, I had to write a paper called "The Tragedy Paper."

Yes, it is as terrifying as it sounds. Now, this post is not going to go into detail about that paper because it will take at least a year of counseling and probably three years of school before I feel comfortable talking about it.

I am going to talk about the theme of my life that I discovered from that paper.

It really was not too surprising for me, but the way it revolves around my entire life was. 

So the life theme for me is Love. 

Sounds great right?

Well, what I've learned from school is that love is a craving or a hunger that can never be fulfilled.

Once you get an ounce of it, you want another ounce, and another. 

Find love today and you will want even more love tomorrow.

It sounds like you'll never be satisfied, right?

And that's what I struggled with.

What if the love I got today is all I will get?

Can I be okay with that?

I feel like the obvious answer is no because I will always want more.

And then I thought about love in my relationships.

I seek it out, I perform tasks to receive, and I give much of myself to get more back.

It's a fuel that pushes me but also pulls me. 

I desire love and seek it out. I've been searching for it for a long time.

Yes, I have found it so many times, but I have also missed it so many times.

Writing this portion of my paper started to make me question the mission of being love in my life.

Why would I live out a life of love if it may never be enough?

And then I realized I would much rather live a life constantly craving love than a life that has no desire to find it.

What's your life theme and what does it say about you?

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