My Life

My life has been quite a journey lately, this past week especially. Monday I felt lost and I found myself walking back to my apartment crying because of this feeling. I have changed a lot since high school and I sometimes miss the person I was then. I was involved in so much and never really had time to relax. Well, I know have a life that includes some relaxation which is probably good for a full-time student and part-time worker, but being busy defined who I was and I miss my busy side. The last year has shown me that I have pushed relationships away and that I instantly see the worst in people.

So to fix this fear and unrealistic mindset of mine, I participated in two small groups this week. One was purely to socialize and I loved it. I loved getting to know people better while at the same time allowing people to know me better. The second was a bible study and this was so hard to do! I've been trying to be more of collectivist when it comes to my faith rather than an individualist. I love the relationship I have with God, but I also know he says that we are a body and that we should fellowship with each other. I am still hesitant about the Bible study, but this is the first bible study I have been involved in since my Freshman year of college. Hopefully these events will help me to be more social and maybe add some healthy busyness to my life.

While this blog has always just been a place for me to journal in a way and keep family updated, I have decided I want it to include different aspects of my life as well. So this week I am going to share some recipes that I have made in the past couple of months. Thanks to the lovely website known as Pinterest I have been more creative when it comes to cooking.

http://www.chef-in-training.com/2012/01/crock-pot-chicken-parmesan.html

I made this recipe this week and it was super quick and easy. We ended up eating dinner pretty late the night I made it so the chicken basically fell apart, but it was still a cheap and easy recipe for a college student.

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/baked_parmesan_tomatoes.html

This was also a quick and simple recipe, but not a favorite just by itself. I'd like to try it another time and create into a panini instead of just the tomato by itself. Takes about 10 minutes and is an easy appetizer or snack.

http://formamas.blogspot.com/2011/08/pizza-casserole.html

This recipe was not so quick. It took some time to prepare and a while to cook; plus I did not use the right noodles so it came out as more of a soup rather than casserole. Overall, it was delicious but not exactly efficient for the college life when it comes to time-management.

http://ashleykaitlin.blogspot.com/2011/01/million-dollar-spaghetti.html

I saved the best for last! This recipe is so delicious and I have made it three times since I found it. I have a roommate who does not really enjoy marinara sauce, but she loves this dish. It's similar to lasagna with a twist and is just too yummy! It takes a little bit of time to make, but I'm willing to put in the time because we have enough for leftovers for a couple of days after making it.

As you can see most of my recipes have an Italian side to them. Pasta is affordable and cheap for us to make and I love Italian food! Seriously, I probably would eat it everyday except for the fact its not healthy to do that.

To end this post, I am going to leave you with some wisdom I am trying to implement into my life this week.

I do things based on feelings a lot and I really want to stop doing that. Feelings can be right sometimes, but mine lately have not been true. I hope you and I can work together to remember what we deserve. Whether that is a better friendship/relationship, a different lifestyle, or simply a job well-done.

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Round 2

Where or who do you turn to when you need great advice?

I usually turn to my roommates when I need advice. They are the people who will love me at my worst and put up with my craziness. Now whether or not I listen to their advice is a different question. I probably listen to their advice more than anything, but I still have the times where I ask for advice and still choose to do what I think is best. Sometimes that works, but majority of the time they have whats best in mind and I do not.

What is your favorite fictional story?

My favorite, that is impossible. I love to read and there are many books that just hit my heart. The Christy Miller and Katie Weldon Series by Robin Jones Gunn enveloped my high school years. I dreamed of finding my own Todd and Eli and going on the adventures Christy and Katie went on. The Guy I'm not Dating series is another favorite as well. I also dream of a future Gabe and a time where I can feel secure in my single life. Stand-In Groom is my third and final favorite. Yes, all of these end up being love stories, but all have a unique part in why I love them. Christy Miller shows the life of love and Christianity; actually all the books do. The Guy I'm Not Dating makes me burst out loud laughing every time I read it and I have at least once a year since I found it in high school. Stand-In Groom shows the difficulties when it comes to jobs and love which could happen in my life, right?

What is the most recent dream you had while sleeping?

On Sunday, I dreamt that I got married. My dress was mermaid style with lace and it was odd to put together. I drove to pick up my best friend, but turned around so I wouldn't miss my wedding. My bridesmaids when and picked up my best friend and then I walked down the aisle and got married to my Husband. The next day his brother was trying to steal me away from my husband and I woke up. Very weird dream, but fun to see myself in a wedding dress.

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Discover

I've found that I am an individual that likes to answer questions. I can talk longer if I am asked a question than if we just simply talk. So with that, I have been looking for questions to answer which can lead to discovery and open my eyes. So here I begin with blogs asking questions for discovery.

Who was your first love? Where is he or she now?

I've never been "in" love if that makes sense. I've never said "I love you" to show a deep commitment to someone, but I have felt love for someone grow in me. The first person was probably K*. We have never met, but we were pretty serious about each other when I was in middle school. Thanks to a good friend we both became friends and began to talk almost every night on the phone and send the lovely myspace messages to each other. At this age, I was not allowed to technically "date." So we talked with the fact we both liked each despite the fact we never met. After he bought me a ring, I realized how serious the situation was and I began to pull away. I pulled away completely when I stopped talking to him when we were supposed to meet at an amusement park. He and I are still friends and sometimes I wonder if maybe he was the guy meant for me. We still haven't met and I hope we meet at least once someday. Whether he is the guy for me or not, he is the first boy who created the idea of love for me.

If you could be in your dream place at this moment, what would you be doing?

Right now my dream place is Seattle. Indiana is home, but I am ready to spread my wings and land in Seattle. I want to develop its lifestyle and learn the life of Seattle student. I would stroll the city, the parks, take in the scenery and wind up in a Starbucks coffee shop having an intellectual conversation with a stranger. I'd discover a quaint cafe and eat lunch while reading a book. Then I'd buy the outfit I've always dreamt of with the perfect shoes, of course. I'd end the night enveloped in the arms of the man  for me. What a dream!

If you had the opportunity to get a message across to people, what would it be?

To be honest I dream of speaking in front of people; telling them about the hardships in life but the beauty with breakthrough. But the one thing I have always had a desire to talk about is Purity. Maybe it's because it is the topic that brought me to Christ or has played a major part in the decisions in my life. Mainly purity when it comes to sexual actions and relationships. I'll be honest. I struggle with pure thoughts, pure actions, pure desires, etc. I'm a human being. I desire sex, I crave the feeling, and I dream about the experience. I've made mistakes in relationships and crossed the lines I set up for myself, but their is beauty in redemption and that's what my message would be. It is never too late to start over or to begin again. Forgiveness is constant in every aspect of our lives and especially with purity. I want to warn younger girls of  the life that is going to hit them, discuss the events occurring in high school girls life, and teach older girls how to forgive themselves for their mistakes. Purity is beautiful and unique in each of us. That would be my message.

What can you do today that you were not capable of doing a year ago?

A year ago I was at the weakest point in my life to date. I was lost, broken, hurt, angry, sad, and depressed. A year ago I couldn't confront my problems in a healthy mindset. I would get lost in a world that wasn't real to get out of reality. This year I am capable of asking myself the tough question. What is really making me want to escape reality? I have the strength to say no to the temptation and I have strength to ask the tough questions.

If you had the opportunity to go back in time and change one thing, would you do it?

While I do not have regrets in life, there is one aspect of my life that I would change if I could. It has been a chain on me for my life and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had not stumbled across it and let it be apart of my life.

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It's meant to be

I have been thinking about the phrase "If it's meant to be, it will find a way." We all use it and throw it at each other when we are in a tough time, a hopeless time, or a low time. It's a phrase we can hold on to and let it support us as we find our way out of the bottom. It's a phrase that I am finding a way to believe. Certain events have occurred in my life and I am presented with thoughts of "Why?" Why me? Why us? Why then? Why now?

Event 1: T*
I thought I would marry him, I really did. And the break up was never supposed to be so hard or difficult to get over, but nevertheless it happened and it was for the best. He is married to I am sure a wonderful woman and I will be married to a wonderful man someday. They were meant to be and it found its way.

Event 2: Dad's job loss
This event is still upsetting to the day. It has almost been a year since it all occurred and it is carried with us every day, but nevertheless it happened and I don't know if it was for the best just yet. I am still in the phase where it seems as if it were the worst. I still ask the why question and struggle with it all the time. And this is where the phrase comes in. "If it's meant to be, it will find a way." Dad's future job will find a way. The will for our family will find its way.

Event 3: Washington
My love for Washington is strong. I dream of the day to be reunited with that state and all it has planned for me. The adventures I made are precious and I cherish them so much. Will I find my way back? Is this where my future is? "If it's meant to be, it will find a way."

The why will always present itself, but the way presents a better presentation than all the questioning with why. Pin It

A rainy day and music that speaks to the heart

Music has always been powerful to me and still is. So with that here I go:

I miss everything about you:

your eyes, your smile, the way you made me laugh, the way you made feel, the way you opened me up to love, the way you never pressured me, the way you always let me be me

Can't believe that I still want you

After all the things we've been through:

the distance, the conflict, life

I miss everything about you

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none

Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

Cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a but about how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and fear

Finding myself making every possible mistakes



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Past

There is something about the past that is intriguing to us as humans. Maybe it is the fact that it holds so much with it or because its a part of our life that we can review and look over. Whatever the reason, I found myself spending today looking back on the past and I realized a very hard thing.

I am different.

I am different in so many ways that it was hard to look at the person I was. I had so much faith, belief, trust, and love. Now that is all gone. I've become hopeless, cynical, doubtful, and so much more. I had a very strong faith in high school and now I do not and while I understand some of the reasons for that I am still sad. I am sad that I have allowed myself to become this person I am. I get mad for little things, I despise individuals for ridiculous things, and I choose not to learn from the mistakes of my past.

I realized I have a lot to change in my life. I miss that person I was in high school and while I know I will never be that same person again, I desire to find a way to be that person during this time. I want to have hope, love, trust, belief, and faith again. I want to wake up and be thanking a higher being for allowing me to have another day. I want to let silly disagreements roll of my shoulders. I want to let go of the control I have on my life and trust a greater being with it.

I want to cherish this life!

Starting over has been what I talk about a lot in my posts, but something clicked today that made it clear on who I have become.

Dear God,

Please let me rid of this ugly person. A person who seeks for reasons not to like some. A person who sees the worst in everyone. A person who does not know what love means anymore. Bring back a person who allows people to shine and make mistakes. A person who remembers that no one is perfect. And a person who is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, is not self-seeking, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

A person who allows love to never fail.

Amen.

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Pain Changes Us

Pain. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Change. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Pain=Change

Just something to think about.

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