Discover

I've found that I am an individual that likes to answer questions. I can talk longer if I am asked a question than if we just simply talk. So with that, I have been looking for questions to answer which can lead to discovery and open my eyes. So here I begin with blogs asking questions for discovery.

Who was your first love? Where is he or she now?

I've never been "in" love if that makes sense. I've never said "I love you" to show a deep commitment to someone, but I have felt love for someone grow in me. The first person was probably K*. We have never met, but we were pretty serious about each other when I was in middle school. Thanks to a good friend we both became friends and began to talk almost every night on the phone and send the lovely myspace messages to each other. At this age, I was not allowed to technically "date." So we talked with the fact we both liked each despite the fact we never met. After he bought me a ring, I realized how serious the situation was and I began to pull away. I pulled away completely when I stopped talking to him when we were supposed to meet at an amusement park. He and I are still friends and sometimes I wonder if maybe he was the guy meant for me. We still haven't met and I hope we meet at least once someday. Whether he is the guy for me or not, he is the first boy who created the idea of love for me.

If you could be in your dream place at this moment, what would you be doing?

Right now my dream place is Seattle. Indiana is home, but I am ready to spread my wings and land in Seattle. I want to develop its lifestyle and learn the life of Seattle student. I would stroll the city, the parks, take in the scenery and wind up in a Starbucks coffee shop having an intellectual conversation with a stranger. I'd discover a quaint cafe and eat lunch while reading a book. Then I'd buy the outfit I've always dreamt of with the perfect shoes, of course. I'd end the night enveloped in the arms of the man  for me. What a dream!

If you had the opportunity to get a message across to people, what would it be?

To be honest I dream of speaking in front of people; telling them about the hardships in life but the beauty with breakthrough. But the one thing I have always had a desire to talk about is Purity. Maybe it's because it is the topic that brought me to Christ or has played a major part in the decisions in my life. Mainly purity when it comes to sexual actions and relationships. I'll be honest. I struggle with pure thoughts, pure actions, pure desires, etc. I'm a human being. I desire sex, I crave the feeling, and I dream about the experience. I've made mistakes in relationships and crossed the lines I set up for myself, but their is beauty in redemption and that's what my message would be. It is never too late to start over or to begin again. Forgiveness is constant in every aspect of our lives and especially with purity. I want to warn younger girls of  the life that is going to hit them, discuss the events occurring in high school girls life, and teach older girls how to forgive themselves for their mistakes. Purity is beautiful and unique in each of us. That would be my message.

What can you do today that you were not capable of doing a year ago?

A year ago I was at the weakest point in my life to date. I was lost, broken, hurt, angry, sad, and depressed. A year ago I couldn't confront my problems in a healthy mindset. I would get lost in a world that wasn't real to get out of reality. This year I am capable of asking myself the tough question. What is really making me want to escape reality? I have the strength to say no to the temptation and I have strength to ask the tough questions.

If you had the opportunity to go back in time and change one thing, would you do it?

While I do not have regrets in life, there is one aspect of my life that I would change if I could. It has been a chain on me for my life and sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had not stumbled across it and let it be apart of my life.

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It's meant to be

I have been thinking about the phrase "If it's meant to be, it will find a way." We all use it and throw it at each other when we are in a tough time, a hopeless time, or a low time. It's a phrase we can hold on to and let it support us as we find our way out of the bottom. It's a phrase that I am finding a way to believe. Certain events have occurred in my life and I am presented with thoughts of "Why?" Why me? Why us? Why then? Why now?

Event 1: T*
I thought I would marry him, I really did. And the break up was never supposed to be so hard or difficult to get over, but nevertheless it happened and it was for the best. He is married to I am sure a wonderful woman and I will be married to a wonderful man someday. They were meant to be and it found its way.

Event 2: Dad's job loss
This event is still upsetting to the day. It has almost been a year since it all occurred and it is carried with us every day, but nevertheless it happened and I don't know if it was for the best just yet. I am still in the phase where it seems as if it were the worst. I still ask the why question and struggle with it all the time. And this is where the phrase comes in. "If it's meant to be, it will find a way." Dad's future job will find a way. The will for our family will find its way.

Event 3: Washington
My love for Washington is strong. I dream of the day to be reunited with that state and all it has planned for me. The adventures I made are precious and I cherish them so much. Will I find my way back? Is this where my future is? "If it's meant to be, it will find a way."

The why will always present itself, but the way presents a better presentation than all the questioning with why. Pin It

A rainy day and music that speaks to the heart

Music has always been powerful to me and still is. So with that here I go:

I miss everything about you:

your eyes, your smile, the way you made me laugh, the way you made feel, the way you opened me up to love, the way you never pressured me, the way you always let me be me

Can't believe that I still want you

After all the things we've been through:

the distance, the conflict, life

I miss everything about you

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none

Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

Cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a but about how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and fear

Finding myself making every possible mistakes



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Past

There is something about the past that is intriguing to us as humans. Maybe it is the fact that it holds so much with it or because its a part of our life that we can review and look over. Whatever the reason, I found myself spending today looking back on the past and I realized a very hard thing.

I am different.

I am different in so many ways that it was hard to look at the person I was. I had so much faith, belief, trust, and love. Now that is all gone. I've become hopeless, cynical, doubtful, and so much more. I had a very strong faith in high school and now I do not and while I understand some of the reasons for that I am still sad. I am sad that I have allowed myself to become this person I am. I get mad for little things, I despise individuals for ridiculous things, and I choose not to learn from the mistakes of my past.

I realized I have a lot to change in my life. I miss that person I was in high school and while I know I will never be that same person again, I desire to find a way to be that person during this time. I want to have hope, love, trust, belief, and faith again. I want to wake up and be thanking a higher being for allowing me to have another day. I want to let silly disagreements roll of my shoulders. I want to let go of the control I have on my life and trust a greater being with it.

I want to cherish this life!

Starting over has been what I talk about a lot in my posts, but something clicked today that made it clear on who I have become.

Dear God,

Please let me rid of this ugly person. A person who seeks for reasons not to like some. A person who sees the worst in everyone. A person who does not know what love means anymore. Bring back a person who allows people to shine and make mistakes. A person who remembers that no one is perfect. And a person who is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, is not self-seeking, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

A person who allows love to never fail.

Amen.

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Pain Changes Us

Pain. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Change. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Pain=Change

Just something to think about.

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Love chooses us

I read an article yesterday about a women who received a poem from a boy on her plane ride home one day and how their relationship did not work out. She did find a husband and later concluded that love chooses us. Those three words were so beautiful to me.

Love chooses us.

So many different thoughts run through my mind: my relationship with God, my future husband, my actions, and growing up.

I am currently doing homework on adolescents and I read that the heart doubles in size and capacity during adolescence. I was amazed at that and then realized some of my adolescence years might finally make sense. I spent so many days thinking I was in love and experiencing so many emotions (this still continues to be me as well) and I always wondered why I started to feel this way in middle school. Well, it all makes sense. My heart doubled in size and capacity; it was able to express more and feel more and love more. I thought that was one of the coolest things ever. What a unique time that is in your life. Maybe this is why I have such a desire to work with middle and high school students?

Love chooses us.

Back to this concept on love choosing us. I always believed you can choose what, who, and how to love, but I am realizing that I do not believe that way anymore. I truly believe love chooses us. How do you explain still loving someone after they hurt you? How do you explain the love you feel for someone who is wrong for you in every way? It has always chosen us and for us. Maybe life will start to make a little bit more sense now?

Love chooses us.

The most amazing way love chooses us is God. This relationship was chosen by him; not me. I can never be rid of his love because he chose me to love. How beautiful! His love chose us. This relationship has been hard, difficult, confusing, frustrating, and crazy in so many ways, but it has always been filled with love. Love not chosen by us, but love that chose us.

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Be Still

Being still is not a phrase I enjoy. I do not like to be still. Yes, I like to sit or lay down, but I am not still. I am constantly fidgeting, rolling, or letting my mind ramble through everything. "What if I do this, what if I don't. Why does she react like that, why did I react like that? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Can I just sleep?" To say my life is sane right now, well, that's a lie. My life is filled with exams, roommate conflicts, big events, and so much more.

This morning I went into the lab on campus to do more homework/studying and saw a guy outside standing. As I watched him, I wondered who he was talking to so I peeked out the window to see who he was talking to and there was no one. "How weird!" I thought. This kid is just standing talking to no one, but then I realized he was not talking but singing and he was singing to God. I still thought that was strange that he is singing to God by himself in the middle of campus and then decided I should stop being creepy and watching him.

Well I am a people watcher and I just could not stop looking. He continued to keep singing, but then sat down and opened his bible. Immediately the words, "Be Still" popped into my head. I've lost the idea of that concept. You do not have to be completely still, but just Be where you are. On this beautiful day, he decided to spend a beautiful morning with the lord. As I watch him, I see the beauty surrounding him. A rising sun, yellow trees, leaves swirling with the wind and I feel peace.

Life is crazy and it's filled with unexpected events everyday, but I am reminded of the beauty in life that God has given us. Thank you God for this day and especially for the days to follow! Pin It