A rainy day and music that speaks to the heart

Music has always been powerful to me and still is. So with that here I go:

I miss everything about you:

your eyes, your smile, the way you made me laugh, the way you made feel, the way you opened me up to love, the way you never pressured me, the way you always let me be me

Can't believe that I still want you

After all the things we've been through:

the distance, the conflict, life

I miss everything about you

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none

Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

Cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a but about how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and fear

Finding myself making every possible mistakes



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Past

There is something about the past that is intriguing to us as humans. Maybe it is the fact that it holds so much with it or because its a part of our life that we can review and look over. Whatever the reason, I found myself spending today looking back on the past and I realized a very hard thing.

I am different.

I am different in so many ways that it was hard to look at the person I was. I had so much faith, belief, trust, and love. Now that is all gone. I've become hopeless, cynical, doubtful, and so much more. I had a very strong faith in high school and now I do not and while I understand some of the reasons for that I am still sad. I am sad that I have allowed myself to become this person I am. I get mad for little things, I despise individuals for ridiculous things, and I choose not to learn from the mistakes of my past.

I realized I have a lot to change in my life. I miss that person I was in high school and while I know I will never be that same person again, I desire to find a way to be that person during this time. I want to have hope, love, trust, belief, and faith again. I want to wake up and be thanking a higher being for allowing me to have another day. I want to let silly disagreements roll of my shoulders. I want to let go of the control I have on my life and trust a greater being with it.

I want to cherish this life!

Starting over has been what I talk about a lot in my posts, but something clicked today that made it clear on who I have become.

Dear God,

Please let me rid of this ugly person. A person who seeks for reasons not to like some. A person who sees the worst in everyone. A person who does not know what love means anymore. Bring back a person who allows people to shine and make mistakes. A person who remembers that no one is perfect. And a person who is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, is not self-seeking, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

A person who allows love to never fail.

Amen.

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Pain Changes Us

Pain. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Change. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Pain=Change

Just something to think about.

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Love chooses us

I read an article yesterday about a women who received a poem from a boy on her plane ride home one day and how their relationship did not work out. She did find a husband and later concluded that love chooses us. Those three words were so beautiful to me.

Love chooses us.

So many different thoughts run through my mind: my relationship with God, my future husband, my actions, and growing up.

I am currently doing homework on adolescents and I read that the heart doubles in size and capacity during adolescence. I was amazed at that and then realized some of my adolescence years might finally make sense. I spent so many days thinking I was in love and experiencing so many emotions (this still continues to be me as well) and I always wondered why I started to feel this way in middle school. Well, it all makes sense. My heart doubled in size and capacity; it was able to express more and feel more and love more. I thought that was one of the coolest things ever. What a unique time that is in your life. Maybe this is why I have such a desire to work with middle and high school students?

Love chooses us.

Back to this concept on love choosing us. I always believed you can choose what, who, and how to love, but I am realizing that I do not believe that way anymore. I truly believe love chooses us. How do you explain still loving someone after they hurt you? How do you explain the love you feel for someone who is wrong for you in every way? It has always chosen us and for us. Maybe life will start to make a little bit more sense now?

Love chooses us.

The most amazing way love chooses us is God. This relationship was chosen by him; not me. I can never be rid of his love because he chose me to love. How beautiful! His love chose us. This relationship has been hard, difficult, confusing, frustrating, and crazy in so many ways, but it has always been filled with love. Love not chosen by us, but love that chose us.

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Be Still

Being still is not a phrase I enjoy. I do not like to be still. Yes, I like to sit or lay down, but I am not still. I am constantly fidgeting, rolling, or letting my mind ramble through everything. "What if I do this, what if I don't. Why does she react like that, why did I react like that? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Can I just sleep?" To say my life is sane right now, well, that's a lie. My life is filled with exams, roommate conflicts, big events, and so much more.

This morning I went into the lab on campus to do more homework/studying and saw a guy outside standing. As I watched him, I wondered who he was talking to so I peeked out the window to see who he was talking to and there was no one. "How weird!" I thought. This kid is just standing talking to no one, but then I realized he was not talking but singing and he was singing to God. I still thought that was strange that he is singing to God by himself in the middle of campus and then decided I should stop being creepy and watching him.

Well I am a people watcher and I just could not stop looking. He continued to keep singing, but then sat down and opened his bible. Immediately the words, "Be Still" popped into my head. I've lost the idea of that concept. You do not have to be completely still, but just Be where you are. On this beautiful day, he decided to spend a beautiful morning with the lord. As I watch him, I see the beauty surrounding him. A rising sun, yellow trees, leaves swirling with the wind and I feel peace.

Life is crazy and it's filled with unexpected events everyday, but I am reminded of the beauty in life that God has given us. Thank you God for this day and especially for the days to follow! Pin It

Growing Up

Life lately has been awakening, eye-opening, and real. Sometimes I wonder if I life in an alternate universe (maybe this is because I day dream a lot). I have been realizing that I am slowly creeping into the adult world. I can see the differences in pictures of how I am aging and I can see it most in the way I handle situations. I am growing out of the over-dramatically emotional stages and entering into the calm responses and patience. Is this good or bad? Part of me misses the over-dramatic stage and maybe because that is where I felt I expressed myself the most. The other part of me is happy that I am not responding with emotion filled words, but now with truth filled words.

I have talked about my past year multiple times, but it is something I will continue to talk about for the rest of my life. This year of my life has engraved me and will represent me. It was a year of learning to stand in the rain, to know true hate and real forgiveness, to make mistakes and pave the way, and to discover who I am. Relationships have been lost, pain has been felt, regret was common, and love was overflowing. I always ask myself, "If you could do it over, would you?" I have always hated that question, but I think I am starting to understand why people say yes. Do I want to say yes to all the hurt, pain, and loss? No. Definitely no. Do I want to say yes to all the discovery, love, growth, and strength? Yes. 100% yes!

This year has been more valuable to me than any of the years I have been alive. I fell a lot, but God put people in my life to always pick me up to carry on. God took me on an adventure to discover a place I love, a place I hope to go and make my own name. He has given me friends that are remarkable beyond belief; friends that I can truly say will be in my life forever. My faith crumbled, but God held on to me through all the doubt, hurt, and hate and continues to hold on to me as I still doubt and wonder what it is all about.

I could go on for hours talking about all the God has done for me, but I personally do not have time as a college student (I should be studying for a test right now, whoops!). I am thankful, grateful, and amazed at the greatness of God and how his plans work for our lives. I still struggle with why he chose me to go through some of these things and I will probably never understand completely, but I do know that there is a plan and that there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are better things ahead than anything we left behind.

-C.S. Lewis

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Is it October yet?

Wow! This month has been super crazy and busy for me. Four tests face me this week and two from last week that I didn't do very well on. Last week was the busiest week of all for me. I rushed or surged as we call it at AU for a group of Lamifidel (lami) and am not an official member! I also ran for senator which wasn't much of a race anyways since I was the only person who ran for South campus. Lami I love; Senators may take a little bit more time to love because at the moment I do not love it.

Let me talk about my week of rushing! It was long and tiring filled with early morning and late nights, but totally worth it. I have always felt very strongly about not wanting to rush a social club on campus, but I had a lot of free time available this year and decided why not try it out (I can always quit if I don't like it). God could not have prepared me enough for the amazing week I had. I have met some lovely ladies and am excited to call them my lami sisters and am even more excited to get to know them better these next two years. Each girl gets a big sister and I love mine! She wants to go to Mars Hill in Seattle as I do too so I am excited as to see where that may lead to. The week was filled with deep talks and bonding, but my most favorite was burning our burden boards night. Each day we swapped our board with a sister and carried around their burden for the day and as our last late night of rush we burned them over a fire. My board said "lack of friendliness and dislike of people" and there are a lot of reasons for having those burdens and I am sure I have written about them multiple times in my blog.

Friendships have been disappointing for the last year and relationships have failed so my trust for people has gone out the window. I trust the people who are currently in my life, but when it comes to new people I am just waiting for them to disappoint me. I got to burn this burden on Saturday night and am in the process of letting it go completely which is happening a lot faster than I expected. Social clubs are a fantastic way to get involved on AU's campus and to meet new people. Sure, it may not be for everyone, but don't bash it until you try it.

Well I am off to more studying: three more tests this week. Wish me luck! Pin It