What was I created to be?

It seems I am always asking what I was created to be? Why was I put here? What's my purpose; mission? Why are my two feet walking on this earth?

I guess I just keep asking myself this because I keep referring to myself as a sinner. A sinner for participating in activities I know are wrong. A sinner for wanting to give up on the church. A sinner for not wanting to be a leader anymore. A sinner for wanting to hate people. I am a sinner.

But so is everyone else, right?

Maybe that's why I get lost. I'm fighting all these battles by myself because I'm afraid to share it with people. What if they judge me? What if they tell me to turn to God? You know, I get it! I've been a Christian for over 10 years now and I know you are supposed to repent and ask for forgiveness, but sometimes it just gets old. I feel like I have used all my turn to ask for forgiveness. Shouldn't their be a point where God says, "You've taken advantage of me enough times, so sorry, kid, you're out of luck this time?" I mean I would totally understand if he said that. I'd do the same thing. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Isn't enough, enough?

Now why can't enough be enough for me? Why can't I stop after the first time? I guess it's just like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Once you take the bite of the sweet fruit it's hard not to keep going to back for more bites and eventually you just forget you are even taking that bite. I constantly wonder how much life would be easier if they would have never sinned. But then again would we learn everything we do if we had never sinned? Is sin something to be thankful for?

I think most of this is stemming from the past month of losing a church, a church family, and hope/faith in the church. I start to wonder what's the point and with that it is hard not to question your faith and why you believe. I still love God and believe in him, but I am struggling with how everything has happened in the last month as it has. Why God? Why us? But when I say why us, I wonder why Abraham. Joseph, Mary? Why did he choose them? Is this why we were created? Did you allow this to happen to us because you knew we could handle it or fight through it?

And then this song comes to my mind, and I here God talking to me:

Come home, come home
Cause I've been waiting for ya for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home

And then I hear me talking to God:

Everything I can't be is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
Everything I can't be is everything you should be
And that;s why I need you here Pin It