Past

There is something about the past that is intriguing to us as humans. Maybe it is the fact that it holds so much with it or because its a part of our life that we can review and look over. Whatever the reason, I found myself spending today looking back on the past and I realized a very hard thing.

I am different.

I am different in so many ways that it was hard to look at the person I was. I had so much faith, belief, trust, and love. Now that is all gone. I've become hopeless, cynical, doubtful, and so much more. I had a very strong faith in high school and now I do not and while I understand some of the reasons for that I am still sad. I am sad that I have allowed myself to become this person I am. I get mad for little things, I despise individuals for ridiculous things, and I choose not to learn from the mistakes of my past.

I realized I have a lot to change in my life. I miss that person I was in high school and while I know I will never be that same person again, I desire to find a way to be that person during this time. I want to have hope, love, trust, belief, and faith again. I want to wake up and be thanking a higher being for allowing me to have another day. I want to let silly disagreements roll of my shoulders. I want to let go of the control I have on my life and trust a greater being with it.

I want to cherish this life!

Starting over has been what I talk about a lot in my posts, but something clicked today that made it clear on who I have become.

Dear God,

Please let me rid of this ugly person. A person who seeks for reasons not to like some. A person who sees the worst in everyone. A person who does not know what love means anymore. Bring back a person who allows people to shine and make mistakes. A person who remembers that no one is perfect. And a person who is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, is not self-seeking, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

A person who allows love to never fail.

Amen.

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