It's meant to be

I have been thinking about the phrase "If it's meant to be, it will find a way." We all use it and throw it at each other when we are in a tough time, a hopeless time, or a low time. It's a phrase we can hold on to and let it support us as we find our way out of the bottom. It's a phrase that I am finding a way to believe. Certain events have occurred in my life and I am presented with thoughts of "Why?" Why me? Why us? Why then? Why now?

Event 1: T*
I thought I would marry him, I really did. And the break up was never supposed to be so hard or difficult to get over, but nevertheless it happened and it was for the best. He is married to I am sure a wonderful woman and I will be married to a wonderful man someday. They were meant to be and it found its way.

Event 2: Dad's job loss
This event is still upsetting to the day. It has almost been a year since it all occurred and it is carried with us every day, but nevertheless it happened and I don't know if it was for the best just yet. I am still in the phase where it seems as if it were the worst. I still ask the why question and struggle with it all the time. And this is where the phrase comes in. "If it's meant to be, it will find a way." Dad's future job will find a way. The will for our family will find its way.

Event 3: Washington
My love for Washington is strong. I dream of the day to be reunited with that state and all it has planned for me. The adventures I made are precious and I cherish them so much. Will I find my way back? Is this where my future is? "If it's meant to be, it will find a way."

The why will always present itself, but the way presents a better presentation than all the questioning with why. Pin It

A rainy day and music that speaks to the heart

Music has always been powerful to me and still is. So with that here I go:

I miss everything about you:

your eyes, your smile, the way you made me laugh, the way you made feel, the way you opened me up to love, the way you never pressured me, the way you always let me be me

Can't believe that I still want you

After all the things we've been through:

the distance, the conflict, life

I miss everything about you

I don't know what I've done

Or if I like what I've begun

But something told me to run

And honey, you know me, it's all or none

Cause I don't know who I am, who I am without you

All I know is that I should

And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you

All I know is that I should

Cause she will love you more than I could

She who dares to stand where I stood

I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world

Hoping I could learn a but about how to give and take

But since I came here, felt the joy and fear

Finding myself making every possible mistakes



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Past

There is something about the past that is intriguing to us as humans. Maybe it is the fact that it holds so much with it or because its a part of our life that we can review and look over. Whatever the reason, I found myself spending today looking back on the past and I realized a very hard thing.

I am different.

I am different in so many ways that it was hard to look at the person I was. I had so much faith, belief, trust, and love. Now that is all gone. I've become hopeless, cynical, doubtful, and so much more. I had a very strong faith in high school and now I do not and while I understand some of the reasons for that I am still sad. I am sad that I have allowed myself to become this person I am. I get mad for little things, I despise individuals for ridiculous things, and I choose not to learn from the mistakes of my past.

I realized I have a lot to change in my life. I miss that person I was in high school and while I know I will never be that same person again, I desire to find a way to be that person during this time. I want to have hope, love, trust, belief, and faith again. I want to wake up and be thanking a higher being for allowing me to have another day. I want to let silly disagreements roll of my shoulders. I want to let go of the control I have on my life and trust a greater being with it.

I want to cherish this life!

Starting over has been what I talk about a lot in my posts, but something clicked today that made it clear on who I have become.

Dear God,

Please let me rid of this ugly person. A person who seeks for reasons not to like some. A person who sees the worst in everyone. A person who does not know what love means anymore. Bring back a person who allows people to shine and make mistakes. A person who remembers that no one is perfect. And a person who is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, not proud, not rude, is not self-seeking, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres.

A person who allows love to never fail.

Amen.

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Pain Changes Us

Pain. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Change. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Pain=Change

Just something to think about.

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Love chooses us

I read an article yesterday about a women who received a poem from a boy on her plane ride home one day and how their relationship did not work out. She did find a husband and later concluded that love chooses us. Those three words were so beautiful to me.

Love chooses us.

So many different thoughts run through my mind: my relationship with God, my future husband, my actions, and growing up.

I am currently doing homework on adolescents and I read that the heart doubles in size and capacity during adolescence. I was amazed at that and then realized some of my adolescence years might finally make sense. I spent so many days thinking I was in love and experiencing so many emotions (this still continues to be me as well) and I always wondered why I started to feel this way in middle school. Well, it all makes sense. My heart doubled in size and capacity; it was able to express more and feel more and love more. I thought that was one of the coolest things ever. What a unique time that is in your life. Maybe this is why I have such a desire to work with middle and high school students?

Love chooses us.

Back to this concept on love choosing us. I always believed you can choose what, who, and how to love, but I am realizing that I do not believe that way anymore. I truly believe love chooses us. How do you explain still loving someone after they hurt you? How do you explain the love you feel for someone who is wrong for you in every way? It has always chosen us and for us. Maybe life will start to make a little bit more sense now?

Love chooses us.

The most amazing way love chooses us is God. This relationship was chosen by him; not me. I can never be rid of his love because he chose me to love. How beautiful! His love chose us. This relationship has been hard, difficult, confusing, frustrating, and crazy in so many ways, but it has always been filled with love. Love not chosen by us, but love that chose us.

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Be Still

Being still is not a phrase I enjoy. I do not like to be still. Yes, I like to sit or lay down, but I am not still. I am constantly fidgeting, rolling, or letting my mind ramble through everything. "What if I do this, what if I don't. Why does she react like that, why did I react like that? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Can I just sleep?" To say my life is sane right now, well, that's a lie. My life is filled with exams, roommate conflicts, big events, and so much more.

This morning I went into the lab on campus to do more homework/studying and saw a guy outside standing. As I watched him, I wondered who he was talking to so I peeked out the window to see who he was talking to and there was no one. "How weird!" I thought. This kid is just standing talking to no one, but then I realized he was not talking but singing and he was singing to God. I still thought that was strange that he is singing to God by himself in the middle of campus and then decided I should stop being creepy and watching him.

Well I am a people watcher and I just could not stop looking. He continued to keep singing, but then sat down and opened his bible. Immediately the words, "Be Still" popped into my head. I've lost the idea of that concept. You do not have to be completely still, but just Be where you are. On this beautiful day, he decided to spend a beautiful morning with the lord. As I watch him, I see the beauty surrounding him. A rising sun, yellow trees, leaves swirling with the wind and I feel peace.

Life is crazy and it's filled with unexpected events everyday, but I am reminded of the beauty in life that God has given us. Thank you God for this day and especially for the days to follow! Pin It

Growing Up

Life lately has been awakening, eye-opening, and real. Sometimes I wonder if I life in an alternate universe (maybe this is because I day dream a lot). I have been realizing that I am slowly creeping into the adult world. I can see the differences in pictures of how I am aging and I can see it most in the way I handle situations. I am growing out of the over-dramatically emotional stages and entering into the calm responses and patience. Is this good or bad? Part of me misses the over-dramatic stage and maybe because that is where I felt I expressed myself the most. The other part of me is happy that I am not responding with emotion filled words, but now with truth filled words.

I have talked about my past year multiple times, but it is something I will continue to talk about for the rest of my life. This year of my life has engraved me and will represent me. It was a year of learning to stand in the rain, to know true hate and real forgiveness, to make mistakes and pave the way, and to discover who I am. Relationships have been lost, pain has been felt, regret was common, and love was overflowing. I always ask myself, "If you could do it over, would you?" I have always hated that question, but I think I am starting to understand why people say yes. Do I want to say yes to all the hurt, pain, and loss? No. Definitely no. Do I want to say yes to all the discovery, love, growth, and strength? Yes. 100% yes!

This year has been more valuable to me than any of the years I have been alive. I fell a lot, but God put people in my life to always pick me up to carry on. God took me on an adventure to discover a place I love, a place I hope to go and make my own name. He has given me friends that are remarkable beyond belief; friends that I can truly say will be in my life forever. My faith crumbled, but God held on to me through all the doubt, hurt, and hate and continues to hold on to me as I still doubt and wonder what it is all about.

I could go on for hours talking about all the God has done for me, but I personally do not have time as a college student (I should be studying for a test right now, whoops!). I am thankful, grateful, and amazed at the greatness of God and how his plans work for our lives. I still struggle with why he chose me to go through some of these things and I will probably never understand completely, but I do know that there is a plan and that there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are better things ahead than anything we left behind.

-C.S. Lewis

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Is it October yet?

Wow! This month has been super crazy and busy for me. Four tests face me this week and two from last week that I didn't do very well on. Last week was the busiest week of all for me. I rushed or surged as we call it at AU for a group of Lamifidel (lami) and am not an official member! I also ran for senator which wasn't much of a race anyways since I was the only person who ran for South campus. Lami I love; Senators may take a little bit more time to love because at the moment I do not love it.

Let me talk about my week of rushing! It was long and tiring filled with early morning and late nights, but totally worth it. I have always felt very strongly about not wanting to rush a social club on campus, but I had a lot of free time available this year and decided why not try it out (I can always quit if I don't like it). God could not have prepared me enough for the amazing week I had. I have met some lovely ladies and am excited to call them my lami sisters and am even more excited to get to know them better these next two years. Each girl gets a big sister and I love mine! She wants to go to Mars Hill in Seattle as I do too so I am excited as to see where that may lead to. The week was filled with deep talks and bonding, but my most favorite was burning our burden boards night. Each day we swapped our board with a sister and carried around their burden for the day and as our last late night of rush we burned them over a fire. My board said "lack of friendliness and dislike of people" and there are a lot of reasons for having those burdens and I am sure I have written about them multiple times in my blog.

Friendships have been disappointing for the last year and relationships have failed so my trust for people has gone out the window. I trust the people who are currently in my life, but when it comes to new people I am just waiting for them to disappoint me. I got to burn this burden on Saturday night and am in the process of letting it go completely which is happening a lot faster than I expected. Social clubs are a fantastic way to get involved on AU's campus and to meet new people. Sure, it may not be for everyone, but don't bash it until you try it.

Well I am off to more studying: three more tests this week. Wish me luck! Pin It

Life after Camp

It has been a crazy couple of weeks since I have left camp and been back to life in Indiana. My homecoming was a smooth transition for the most part. The hardest part was the fact that I lived in three different places in one week. Washington to home to school. It was intense which lead to me being overwhelmed and crying a little bit. However, I am getting back into my school routine of studying too much and laughing all the time. I miss Washington and everything about it. Two more years of school and then I will start making my move there. Yes, I should not be so sure about that statement, but I believe God opened a door to Washington for a reason and I am fully willing to move their in a heartbeat.

When I left for camp this summer, I was depressed and life was just awkward. I had gone through many emotional events and I just wanted to get away. Washington gave me my escape and even though it wasn't a summer of vacationing, it was a summer of discovery. I discovered myself and learned how to forgive and move on. Coming home from Washington, I found myself being content with life and having new goals for my life.

Goals

1.) Stop being afraid to try new things. Go for it and embrace the opportunity to just apply.

2.) Treat yourself. Remember to put yourself first occasionally.

3.) Cherish every moment.

4.) Find God again; don't force it, but re-discover him.

Not a ton of goals, but I think a good start to continue living my content life.

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Week 10: Bellingham, Washington

It's official! My last week in Washington is over and I am sitting at the airport trying not to cry. I have been blessed this whole summer with amazing friends, opportunities, and a loving God. I could not ask for anything more and do not regret any thing.

We spent this week with a band camp so basically we put the campers to bed and woke them up so it was a really easy week. While the kids were in band practice, we spent the day painting tons and building a new campsite for the camp. I only worked on the campsite for 2 hours because I could not handle nature this week (maybe I am still some what of a girly girl still). Instead of building, I painted tons; I even still have paint stuck in my hair that I cannot get rid of. At night, we played tons of loaded questions and spent time preparing each other for our goodbyes. Kool-aid and I also spent the week pranking each other. He froze my toothbrush, toothpaste, and toothbrush holder in water and I just died laughing. I miss all my friends here so much already and I haven't even made it on the plane yet. Yesterday, I pretty much spent the whole day crying. Saying goodbye to everyone was much more tough then I thought. Izza was the hardest seeing as we have become best friends in such a little amount of time. That girl is going to be in my wedding.

As I left this morning with my friends waving me off so early in the morning, I realized that Washington is my home. It is a home I will return to as much as possible and hopefully will call it my official home in the future. I will miss the beautiful mountains, people, and life that is created here. I cannot wait to return and be reunited with everyone again.

See you soon Washington!
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Week 9: Bellingham, Washington

This was our last regular week of camp. I had 5th and 6th grade girls and it was a pretty easy week. I had two CIT's to help me which I was so grateful for and a group of girls who never complained. I got engaged to Dundee on camp out night (no worries; it's a fake engagement) and we heard a pack of coyotes howling outside of our camp site. This week was a little rough because I'm homesick. I know I'm coming home in a week and I just long to be in my home state with family and friends. I am sad to leave here, but ready to be reconnect with my family and share all the stories I have. Once again this was a week of memories from two engagements, pranks, and tons of laughter.

I am sad to say that my time is ending here soon. This has been a summer of unbelievable experiences and a changed heart. I came to camp this summer after having a rough semester at school with my dad losing his job and tough relationships. I was emotionally tired and needed an escape and Camp Lutherwood did just that for me. It gave me a beautiful scenic landscape that I could spend hours looking at, friends that will last for a lifetime, and memories that could never be capture anywhere else. Although I miss home so much, I will miss camp just as much when I return. This has become a new home for me and a place I plan to visit as much as possible in my life. I keep getting asked whether I will return again next summer and I am not sure about that answer. There are three places I call home and each of them tug at my heart strings: Anderson, my family home, and Washington. Being at any of them creates a longing to be at another home and that is hard to deal with. I love camp and it is in God's hands as to whether or not I will return again next summer (but I will say its a likely possibility). All I can do is praise God for the path he has set out for my life. I am grateful for this experience and all that has come with it.

Indiana friends I will be home in 7 days. See you soon!
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Week 8: Bellingham, Washington

I spent this week as a CIT (counselor in training) counselor which means I hung out with high school students all week. It was a blast filled with sassiness, laughter, and ridiculousness. Kahuna shaved all his hair off, I learned how to skip a rock for the first time, and last friday I blobbed for the first time as well. I wish I could write more, but I've run out of time this weekend.

It was a blast all week so that's all you need to know! Pin It

Week 7: Lummi Island, Washington

Working at Lummi was such a rewarding week. It was long labor work filled with 6 hour painting days, but we finished two houses and the families were very grateful. I got to spend the week working with 5 other high school students. The students were great and I wish I could have spent longer getting to know them. We had deep talks about relationships and shared each others life stories. The best night of the whole week was Wednesday night. The Bob's, the family we painted houses for, made us dinner to thank us and then we went to the beach to hang out with their grand-kids. After the beach, we had campfire at their house and their great-grandmother shared her families struggles and how they found God in the midst of it. The stories were touching and truly miracles.

I wish I could go into deep detail about the week, but it is an emotional and very long week to share. This was just another week of showing me why I am supposed to be here. I cannot wait to reconnect with all of you at home and share with you the stories of friendships and fun I am creating and having here.

One thing I have learned for sure about myself here: I am terrified of snakes! A kid this week came up beside me and held it in front of me and I ran so fast and broke out into tears. I hate snakes! Pin It

Week 6: Bellingham, Washington

What a wonderful week it has been in Washington. It has been rainy, but I the sun has shined in so many ways. I spent my first week at camp as an on-site counselor and God blessed me with the greatest group of girls ever. They got a long, did not fight, and grew to become very best friends. It was a great transition for me into being on-site.

This was a confirmation camp week which means campers came with their church groups and had confirmation class for two hours a day and then spent the rest of the time with the counselors. I was very nervous for this week seeing as I am not Lutheran, but it was not a difficult week at all. We discussed how God thinks we are special in our confirmation groups and learned that there is nothing we could do to make God not love us.

My girls and I spent time laughing and growing together during challenge course and activity time. Monday night we got the chance to dress as super hero's for dinner and we looked awesome. Tuesday was a rough day, but my girls were tough and stuck through it. We spent all day at the challenge course which meant lots of hiking and then we had camp out night (even more hiking). Camp out night could have ended badly since it took Neon and I two hours to get our fire started to cook our dinner, but the girls kept great attitudes and we ended the night singing around our campfire and laughing about counselor codes. Wednesday night involved a game of Biffer which is a game where campers have to find counselor in number order so Izza and I spent the game in a canoe boat in the middle of the field representing the 7th and last counselor. We ended the last night of camp with a game of Commando. In this game, the counselor search out the campers and trying to catch them. All the campers have Cheerios which represent their life and if they get caught the counselor gets to take their life and they have to start over trying to get it from one side of the field to the other. Also on Thursday, the staff performed the "Everything (Lifehouse) Skit" for the campers and it was an awesome production.

This week was great and will be a memory for years. It was a blast to spend time with these girls and I wish I could have spent the whole summer getting to know them better. God reminded me this week why I came here (I was beginning to wonder why I came because I miss home a lot) and showed me a lot about myself I needed to know.

This was last week in Camano and this is Lyken playing frogger with a group.

Super Hero Night! Top Row L:R Super Sara, Ninja Turtle, Storm from X-Men, Ninja Turtle, Cat Woman, Uncle Fester. Bottom Row L:R Superwoman and Superman

Twin Night! Neon and I were the Dixie Chicks and sang "Goodbye Earl" when the campers chose us to sing a song during dinner.

Our Harry Potter Costumes after seeing the last and final movie.

In honor of the song of the week, Izza and I sang Goodbye Earl at dinner tonight.

P.S. Mom if your reading this. Prepare for a gigantic hug when I return home. I saw so many girls run into their moms arms today and all I could do was think of running into yours. I love and miss you! Dad you'll get a great big hug as well!

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Week 5: Camano Island, Washington

This week I was sent to do a VBS camp on Camano Island which is about an hour south of Bellingham. It was a relief to take a week away from camp and explore an area that I have never seen completely before. I was assigned 6th graders again which has been awesome because I love middle school students, but I forget that they are still maturing and dealt with a lot of random noisy students. I banned all things Justin Beiber and talks about which camp counselor I had a crush on (Side note- All the guys at camp are great guys and I enjoy getting to know them. I am not dating any of them nor am I engaged/married to any of them. Your welcome mom and dad!)

Being a camp counselor is a wonderful job, but also very tiring. I keep getting asked whether I will come back next year, but I am not at a point where I would be sure of my decision. At this point, I am in the middle and prefer to stay undecided since I still have another six weeks here.

Since my week was similar to one I have explained before I will just give some highlights and things I have learned/love about Washington.

Highlights

Morning greetings/hugs from Keith (a first grader)

Applause after every time I sang at B.O.B. (body on your bunk) time. I felt like a superstar.

Being asked if Keith was my son. If I was older, I would adopt him in a heartbeat!

Matchmaker Kylie; she was sure Pippin and I would be married in the future.

Bible encounters with honest, open hearts.

What I love/have learned about Washington

Thunderstorms do not happen often here, but today God finally granted me one!

Whales eat seals sometimes; sad, but true.

The weather is perfect for me. Never too hot or too cold and rarely is it humid here.

Waking up to mountains never gets old.

City life here is beautiful and filled with green grass.

Unique and one of a kind stores are everywhere.

The style for everyone is so different and unique; yet, accepted by all.

If anyone has any questions for me, feel free to leave a comment on my blog and I will do my best to reply in a timely manner.

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Week 4: Bellingham, Washington

Well this was an interesting week in Washington. I was on General Duty all week so I didn't have campers, but I did interact with campers. I spent most of the week painting, moving furniture, gardening, and planning lots of campfires, morning watches, and vespers.

Sunday we welcomed campers and planned campfire for the campers. Monday we taped the bungalow for painting and weeded a lot. I also swam with the campers every day this week. For vespers I played Katy Perry's "Firework" on guitar and we watched fireworks with a round of Ride the pony (a very funny, repitive game). Tuesday was more manual labor and swimming. This week was mostly a blur so I don't remember a lot of it.

The staff went to do high ropes course one day this week and I made it to the top of the platform climbing up and then just stood there until it was time to come down, but that was good for me. It was a rough week for a lot of people so this weekend was very much needed to rest. Tonight we are having a dinner prepared for us by the Australian and then I leave Sunday for Camano, Washington for a VBS day camp for the week. Pin It

Week 3: Olympia, Washington

Sorry for the delayed post, but life is very busy here in Washington. This past week four others and I went to Olympia, Washington to do a VBS day camp. It was challenging, fun, and a learning experience for all of us. Every single day we had chapel which I played guitar for and then we would break out into cabin times. I had 5th and 6th graders with another counselor because there was 17 of them. They were all fun to get to know, but boy do they push your buttons. By the end of the day, my voice would be scratchy with all the singing and yelling I had to do.

For cabin times, we did bible encounter which is where we go over the theme for the day and do activities that involve the theme. Then we went to game time and basically had the kids run around so they would be tired by the end of the day. Then we had lunch and went into more games with everyone. After games, we had environmental activity which was basically more game time since they didn't have much nature area for us. We ended the day with craft time and closing chapel.

When we were done planning for the day we would head back to our host family house and spend time relaxing or exploring Olympia. It was nice to be able to relax at night and share our lives with our Awesome host family (Tibbets). If I did day camps every week, I don't think I would complain because it was still fun, but I would like at least a couple of weeks on the actual camp site.

When we all returned from our day camps on Friday we had closing staff worship and dinner and then the group of people who stayed camped out in the mountains. Before camp out, we got to go on the boat and I went tubing for my first time! It was scary, but fun too. Saturday morning Maverick put on a Wake board event so we spent the day helping run it which meant more time on the lake. With all that time on the lake also meant a very sun burnt Rachel which I am still recovering from.

I am still loving Washington, but I wouldn't mind a quick trip home to see everyone and just be at home with family for a week. If anyone wants to come visit, feel free. I have Saturdays off and would love to spend it with you!

This was a superhero mural in Olympia that we discovered one night in Washington.

The kissing statue by the Puget Sound. Of course we all had to make our kissy faces!

The Olympia Wolf Pack! L:R Carmello, Izza, Me (Indy), and BC

And of course the three roommates for the week. We love each other!

Izza took this picture while in Olympia. It's just beautiful at night here!

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Week 2 of Staff Training

The time here fells like it is flying by. This was another crazy week of staff training and we did it at the Lummi Indiana Reservation due to another camp renting out our site. The week was filled with more games and getting to know each other. We planned for our Bible Encounters which is an hour we will have each day to teach kids the theme of the day and play games and read the bible.

This was on Tuesday. We went to the Beach and played Eagle's Nest which is similar to capture the flag. Then we practiced skits that we may possibly do at campfire. Isn't it beautiful?

On Saturday Night we had a talent show so I was Saylor Twift and played "Yellow" by Coldplay on the guitar. It was the first time I played for a live audience singing and playing.

On Thursday we had a people scavenger hunt in Fairhaven. We had two find 12 people who continued to move around and get their signature. We didn't win but 111 sure had a great time trying to.

On Sunday night we went to one of the staff's graduation party and had a campfire for the party guests. We then found this hamburger on our way home and all ran on to private property to get a picture with it. "It's all about the journey getting there; not the destination."


We've done too much this week to name every single thing but I'll give some highlights:

1.) Going to Camano Island with Izza and Cookie Monster

2.) 111 room chats

3.) Wrestling each other during a staff game

4.) Cutting my hair off (Yes I cut off 8 inches)

5.) Bonding with every one even more

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Week one of Staff Training

Okay I have a lot to say and very little time so here it goes.

Friday: I painted signs for our luau, we went to the mall, and played lots of cards.

Saturday: I got to sleep in, played some more cards, set up a bunch of tents so they could air out, and we had our first campfire.

Sunday: We went to a lutheran church and let's just say it was interesting. It kind of felt like Catholic mass and nothing I could find myself going to on a regular basis. Then we went to lunch at a Mexican burrito place and ate huge burritos. Then we came back and I had my first swim in Lake Samish. It was freezing, but fun. Then all the other staff arrived at 4 and we played lots of get to know you games.

Monday: We did a camp tour, vespers-a calming biblical aspect of the day, learned about lutherwood's history, and I got homesick because I was tired and wanted to sleep in my own bed. And I was annoyed that everyones parents kept showing up at camp.

Tuesday: We had to do low and high ropes course. Low was easy, but high was hard for me since I don't like heights. I made it to the tires on the vertical playpin and then opted to come down because I was scared. Pretty good, if I say so myself. We did some more stuff but once again I can't remember.

Wednesday: We practed stranger danger scenerio. One of the staffers went missing and we had to practice what we would do to find him. I also got to try on a police uniform and I think I looked pretty legit. I'll post a picture on facebook eventually. We also practiced canoe tipping and it was hard. My arms were so tired from climbing the rock wall I couldn't pull myself into the boat. We played some more games and I sang at Campfire. We also made out own campfires. Yes, I made a campfire.

Thursday: We set up upper OAP for campers to camp in. Then we took a backpack training class which was cool but also boring. We went over cleaning 101 and then I shared part of my testimony at vespers. Then we played pictionary in our houses. I was sorted into the Slytherin house.

Friday: Slytherin led morning watch so I lead a song and participated in a skit. We then had a lot of talking sessions about rules (Boring!). Then we spent the night camping out. Dinner was interesting to say that least and then we actually left at 3:30 in the morning because our covering was leaking and getting us all wet.

I'm loving camp and all the people I'm meeting. My camp name is Indy which I actually like. Okay I have to call my mother before she gets mad at me! Pin It

Bellingham: Day 5 and 6

I am still loving Washington. I can't help but just observe everything because it is so different from Indiana. I love waking up to mountains surrounding me and seeing the beautiful lake shimmering. The weather I enjoy, but I'll be honest I am missing a little bit of the Indiana heat. It's been a little chilly here the last two days, but I wouldn't trade it for humidity. We have been working hard the last two days at camp.

On Tuesday we cleaned the girls side of camp. Yes I cleaned. Then we worked on Staff Manuals for the rest of the day (about 4 hours) and still didn't finish them. After work, I skyped with my family and then we went to a past counselor's house and played a game called Killer Bunnies. It was confusing at first, but I ended up loving it and want to play it again. Then Vespa and I came back to the apartment and play Rachel Rummy (Raquel or Rocky Rummy).

Wednesday Luigi and Vespa had to work the ropes course so I spent my day working on Staff Manuals again and finally finished them around 3. So in all, those stinking manuals took about 9 hours. A little ridiculous, but I'm glad they are done. We also made a sign for one of the counselor's flying in from Australia since we are picking him up at the airport today. Then we grabbed some dinner and played some guitar and met another new counselor (Patrick). We played a couple rounds of bocce ball and then I taught them how to play Euchre and they beat me for being newbies.

Each day is different and exciting and I'm starting to come out of the shell I put myself in the first couple of days. I don't think I realize I was going to be gone from home for a long period of time and I finally realized that when I was here so I closed up a little bit, but luckily I'm coming out of it now. Hopefully, I can take some more pics later but I just keep forgetting to take my camera with me. Pin It

Bellingham: Day 3 and 4

These last two days have been very busy. I left Seattle yesterday to head to Bellingham and Camp Lutherwood. I met some staff and played a cool new game called Ticket to Ride. Today I woke up and went to my favorite spot at camp, Spirit Cabin. I did my devotional and wrote some letters to friends. Two assistant directors and I painted two boy cabins. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. Makes me wonder what else I could do with painting. After we finished (5 hours later), we played some guitar and then grabbed some dinner. I am loving Washington and am excited to see what the next 11 weeks have in store for me.

(This was my view this morning during my devotional time. BEAUTIFUL!)


(These chairs are awesome! They are like hammocks, but better. I want one so bad.)

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Seattle: Day 2

Today was a very busy day. We were out all day, but it was beautiful. It was one of the warmest days Seattle has had in a year. I made a visit to the original Starbucks did not actually get a drink from this one because the line was out the door so I settled for having a Java Chip Frappucino (my first in 6 months) at another one.


We walked around the Public Market and I bought some jewelry and a t-shirt. We also had some of the best Macaroni and Cheese from Beecher's. After walking the market, we spent some time downtown shopping. We went to a 3 story Forever 21. Completely awesome, but completely overwhelming. I needed a whole day just to search through everything. From downtown, we went and picked up Ashlee's friend Morgan and grabbed a snack to eat at the Gas works which is a park located in Freemont. It was hilly and beautiful. I got to catch up with my old youth leader and played some croquet. Oh, and I also got a very nice red tan!

(This is where they throw the fish to each other in the Public Market. I saw video's about this market while I was applying for camps in Washington and took it as a sign to go to Washington. The guys are very outgoing and funny!)

Ash and I grabbed some fish and chips after hanging out at the park and then went to pick up her friend Jari to see "Midnight in Paris" at the movie theater. The theater was old school and fit a ton of people, but they were only showing this movie. It was okay, but not one I would see again. After the movie, we booked it over to Target, a 2 story Target! I was in love and wished I could have had more time to spend in there. They even had their own parking garage for their customers. Crazy!

I'm leaving to head to Bellingham in a couple of hours and then I will officially be at the camp until August 20th!

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Washington: Day 1

I am finally in Washington, actually I have been here for a couple of hours now, but I'm here! Before I even got off the plane, I could tell I would love this place. Flying in I saw the mountains covered in snow. It's June and there is snow! I seriously think I might be in heaven.

Ashlee picked me up from the airport and we went and dropped my three bags off and then set off to hang with some of her friends. First we stopped at Maggie Moo's and got some ice cream and it was delicious. I got Theo Chocolate and it was delicious. Not like any chocolate ice cream I have ever had before. We then walked over to this park and hung out with her friends Ryan and Dan as they played Frisbee.

From the park we went and picked up Collette and went and saw the lookout from Kerry Park and then I had my first Thai dinner ever.

After dinner we went to beach and it was beautiful. The mountains are beautiful and stunning. I also had my first bubble tea experience which was interesting. Not sure if it's my favorite, but I'm loving all the new experiences!

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Blessed

When I graduated from high school, I was given a box of letters from friends and family. Some of the letters spoke of memories, wishes, and thanks. Every year I read these letters again to remind myself of those dreams, memories, and to be thankful for the thanks.

While reading the letters today, I was reminded of the person God called me to be. I've always known, but there is something about hearing it from someone who is not you. My heart was able to be read by other's. They understood my dreams, desires, my passion, and my heart. I wonder if they can still see it. Am I still being the bold Christian everyone said I was? Do I still speak my mind? Will I be serving middle school and high school students?

These letters inspired me to remember the person I allowed God to make me. It reminded me to keep seeking, to not weaken and keep pushing on, to be the open book I always was.

Overall, I remembered I am blessed. I am blessed to have people who influenced my life for a season or a lifetime. I am blessed to have friends who appreciate me. And I am blessed to have a family who loves me at no cost and with their whole heart.

Blessed. Blessed. Blessed. Pin It

Crush to Crushed

Oh the life of a girl. It's amazing how we can create a whole story in our heads and then reality hits us.

Example:

Girl thinks boy is cute and boy seems interested, but in a nonchalant way. So girl assumes he is interested and lets her mind wander. What if he asked me to hang out today? What if he asking everyone else about me? How long has he liked me? etc, etc... Girl anticipates facebook request to be accepted because maybe if he accepts that means he likes her and then maybe he he'll get up the nerve to ask her out which could then lead to an engagement and then a wedding (You know how the story goes). Facebook request is accepted. Girl clicks on page to see more information. Dun. Dun. Dun! Boy has a girlfriend.

Not that I'm referring to any such story in my life ;)

But boys be careful. Girls can take one hint of affection and run with it. Remember to guard their hearts along with yours! Pin It

Here's my mind

I have had a lot of time to think lately with school being done so bare with me...

1.) Religion rejects; God does not.

Not sure why this thought never occurred to me, but I have been reading a book called "Messy Spirituality" and this thought occurred to me. I have heard so many people talk about how they don't go to church because they feel rejected. It's a shame that religion is pushing people away and people are blaming it on God, but we "Christians" are the ones who make them feel that it is God doing it. I am to blame for this. It's easier to run from the spiritually messy people then take the time to get to know them and care for them. I have done it so many times. I think of my spirituality first and how this relationship could affect it. Shame on me! This thought really opened my eyes today.

2.) What is constituted as flirting?

Does throwing a piece of ice at you count? Sometimes I wish my boldness would come across with guys. Instead, my words get jumbled up and my head kind of blanks. I don't even know this guys last name or really anything about him. Sometimes being a girl really stinks. One hello can be translated into a marriage proposal. Girls! Can't live with them or without them!

3.) Where are you?

The you I am referring to would be Mr. For Me. Sometimes waiting for you just seems super long. I mean it has been 20 years so far and granted ten of those years I wasn't even interested in you, but I am now so feel free to come tomorrow or in a week or maybe a month. Is that pushing it? Love you whoever you are!

4.) Spiritually Messy.

That is my life. Reading this book has been eye opening and heart warming for me in a lot of ways and I'm only half way through it.

5.) My dear were slow dancing in a burning room.

Some of the situations I put myself in feel like this. I enter the room knowing I'm going to burn down in it. So why do I enter when I know I'm doomed? You would think I would know by now and had it worked out, but every single day is new for me and I have to start with a new game plan.

6.) Camp!

It's 4 weeks away. I can't wait! Pin It

Two different people; one person

This week has been extremely crazy emotionally and physically. Final exams and friendship have been the two F's in my life. These two F's have the same effect as they would if they were F's on papers. They made me feel horrible and not good enough.

Finals I am used to. It was my fourth semester of finals and I didn't do horrible, but I also didn't do the best as I usually do. Friendships on the other hand have never been so difficult for me. I'm cautious as to what to say because I know I have friends who read this and I don't want them to take it the wrong way, but this is also my heart and life which is what this blog is all about. So I will slowly tread upon this road with caution...

I'm not sure if there is much road to travel on with in this friendship. I think we have come to the end. There is no going forward or backwards which is sad to say. I feel like I have devoted a lot of myself to this friendship, but that it was only here for a season which has come and past. So where do I or we go from this? That's the part I am not quite sure about. Isaiah 30:21 says "you will hear a voice saying this is the way, walk in it." I don't hear the voice. I just hear the awkward silence. The killing silence. Do we say goodbye; can you ever say goodbye?

My words on this subject keep fading. It never seems to be easy to just let something go. To just say goodbye and be done with it. And your self never makes it easy. It constantly battles with itself and asks questions that confuse you even more than you were before.

All I can say is that I am thankful for a summer to spend with God; serving him, re-devoting myself to him, and listening to his understanding. Pin It

A Church less Faith

The idea of this blog post came to me during class a week ago and I have thought about it for a while. This idea of a church less faith has been my life lately. There is not a church I call mine and to be honest I have not been to church in two weeks now and I have not been to the same church every Sunday since December. So here I am wrestling with this idea of a church less faith. Can you have a faith without church? Does church give you your faith? Why do we need to go to church to have faith? My conclusion you may ask is: It is possible to have a church less faith. My faith has actually been stronger since I've broken away from the church. Yes, I still have my days where my faith is barely glowing and yes I think my faith would be stronger if I was surrounded by a church, but there is a lot I have learned since being church less. My faith is purely mine. God pursued me and I fell into his arms. Not let my clarify: I am not saying church is bad; I am only saying that we need to evaluate the church in our faith. It's easy to get caught up in the drama of the church,; the who said what and who did this, but that is not what church was meant to be. Church is supposed to be a place where you can be spiritually fed and led. A place where you can worship God authentically and find peace. It was not created for socializing and to make an appearance. It was created to be a place that is completely Gods. A place where God is in every single aspect. Somehow we have lost that. So this leads me to the church less faith. My faith has been strengthened these last three months. God found me and really broke my heart. He broke it of things that had been eating me up for years and he opened it to see the truth. I've learned how to truly forgive, to truly feel, and to truly have a relationship with God. As much as I have disliked these hard times I have walked through in the last four months, I would never take them back. They have prepared me for a lot in life and have given me an even more unique story. Think about your faith and your church. Do they go hand in hand? What makes you go to church every Sunday or Wednesday? Is it for God or is it for yourself? Take time to let God show you what you are missing. Pin It

Secrets, Struggles, and God

Let me be completely honest about my life lately: It has been nothing but easy; it has been a struggle, a tough battle, and it has been completely without hope. Now when you lose hope, what else do you have?

Since my dad lost his job from the church in December, I have been rolling around deep in murky waters. I never knew something that didn't directly happen to me could affect me so much. It's been hard, but I wouldn't take it back. Going through hard things in life can really build you up and throw you into the person you are to be. So let me tell you what I've discovered in the last three months.

The moment my dad lost his job I threw myself into the bible. I needed God more than anything and well felt that way in my house. So I read Timothy and Titus and I can't remember which one it was now, but it described a leader and the words I read just defeated me. There was not a leader at that church I called home and it was that same leader who sent my dad away on selfish matters. I could not fathom how God could allow a man to rise up to the role he was in and allow him to lead when he clearly was not leadership material according to the bible. So what did I do? I closed my bible and I closed my heart to God for a month. Why did I do it? Because it was the easy way out. Why would I read the bible and continue to struggle with things I read? I didn't think it was worth my time or my effort so I just gave up and for that month I struggled a lot. I struggled with my hardest semester of school so far, friendship drama, and leadership problems.

I was a christian leader on campus and it is not easy to lead other Christians when you give up on God. I basically put on act for a month. I praised God and I advised people on the "Christian" thing to do, but it was all just for show. During that month a friend of mine suggested counseling and I took her advice. BEST DECISION EVER! Counseling started asking me questions that I struggled with and helped me uncover my feelings on a lot of things. After my first counseling session, my counselor prayed for me and she prayed that my faith would light a fire again. So I thought well things didn't get any easier giving up on God so why not actually try to pursue a relationship with God for real this time.

So I started reading my bible every day. First effect: My attitude began to change. Days I missed reading my bible I was just plain rude and nasty, but days I remembered and tried I felt calm, happy, and kind. Second effect: I pursued God because I wanted to. He's always wanted me, but I'm not sure I ever really understood that it required effort out of me. I didn't pursue God because I had the title Christian or because my dad works in the church so I need to be an example. I pursued him because I wanted, needed, and seeked him.

Has it been easy? NO! It's probably been the hardest step I've taken in life. I cry a lot, I fight with myself a lot, and I fight with God a lot. In order to take this journey, I had to open a really dark and scary place in my heart. It contained secrets that I had been hiding from myself and others and I had to deal with them. I had to struggle with the fact that I am hating people and that has been super hard. Who wants to admit they hate someone? We throw the word around so carelessly today, but when you really discover hateful feelings they are heavy and very hard to work through. I also began to tell some of my closest friends; secrets I thought I'd never share; secrets that I was ashamed of. And let me just say One Republics, "Secrets," was a very helpful song for me. "I'm gonna give all my secrets away." That's what I did and it was freeing. God created friends to help us and support us; we need them like we need God.

Though this journey is not over yet, the Son is getting brighter. I feel Him leaking into my every day ways and my thoughts and my actions. I missed God and I love him. Being a Christian does not mean this life will be easier for us. Read Crazy Love and you'll understand where I'm coming from. The moment we put on that title life gets hard. We are called to be different, to stand out of the crowd and not being in that crowd is hard, but the fact is most of us still stand in the crowd. I stand in the crowd and I am trying to figure out what I can do to walk out of the crowd and stand outside. God says to take up your cross and follow him; I guess that is the first step to walking out of the crowd. Pin It

Day 30: Dear reflection in the mirror

Dear reflection in the mirror,

You are a masterpiece of God.

That's what I'm supposed to repeat each morning to cross you off the list, but for some reason I haven't started saying that yet. Maybe I'm afraid to believe it or maybe it's because I have days when I know I don't represent the masterpiece God created. I don't know why I say maybe; both of those are true for me. Some days I wake up completely ashamed of myself; ashamed of the way I've behaved or acted. I know we all make mistakes, but even I'm tired of making mistakes so I can only imagine how God feels about me sometimes. Yet, I was reminded today that he loves me everyday; even when I trip someone up or trip myself up. He died for me and you.

So reflection in the mirror: You are a masterpiece of God, you are loved, you are beautiful. Pin It

Day 29: The person I want to tell everything to, but too afraid

Dear you,

To be honest I don't know exactly who "you" exactly is. I think there is certain stuff that I would like to tell to a lot of people, but I'm too afraid. But lately that hasn't been my problem. I've learned that the truth can set you free and vulnerability can make a friendship; that's what I have been trying to do. It hasn't been easy nor has it been super fun. Letting people see the ugliness and yuckiness of yourself is just plain hard. You have secrets that could ruin your reputation, but I've learned that your true friends will keep taking you back and instead of leaving you in the mud, they'll walk through the muck and help you out.

I have just been very appreciative of my friends lately. It's been a tough semester and they have taken all of my negativeness, craziness, and goofiness.

I love all of you! Pin It

Day 28: Dear Person Who Changed My Life

Dear my wonderful, lovely, beautiful, boss,

I don't even know how to put into words how I feel about you. I have been blessed to have you in my life. You have given me a job, words of wisdom, money for college, and someone I can call a second mother. I look up to you so much and I appreciate you. Not every one can say that they consider their boss a friend and a mother. It's hard to put into words all that you've done for me and my life. I love you and I am just so thankful for you! Pin It

God is good!

I would just like to say God is good! I will be spending my summer Washington working as a camp counselor. I am beyond excited and cannot wait to see what happened in the three months that I am there. This time last year I would have never thought anything good would come from waiting on his call, but I am a living testimony of that. God is good! All the time! Pin It

Day 27: The friendliest person you knew only for a day

Dear girl I housed,

You were seriously the kindest person I've met! I wish you came to school with us and hopefully we will be lucky to have you walking around campus with us next year. You inspire me to try and be as friendly as you were and be able to deliver that same message to someone who only knows me for a day. I still remember everything about that night from doing your hair to watching the orphan. I hope your senior year is going well and I really hope you decide to come to Anderson next year! Pin It

Day 26: Dear person that I pinky promised last

Dear rooms,

Remember when we pinky promised the other week while playing games after blind date night? I love you so much roomie! We have such a good time together and I am blessed beyond words with you! I never knew we would grow so close or end up rooming together every year, but I never would change a thing. I am so excited for two more exciting, crazy, and spontaneous years together. Pin It

Day 25: Person I know is having the hardest time

Dear you,

You are strong, confident, beautiful, and truly amazing. It may seem like life is not worth it at the moment, but keep carrying on. The sun has just set, but it will rise. It will rise and shine again for you. Each step is taking you to the place you are meant to go. There is no wrong path for that path is taking you to the right path. Don't stop moving; keep picking up each foot one day at a time. Don't loose hope or faith, instead devote yourself to your faith and rely deeply on that. Cry when you need to, laugh when you need to, yell when you need too, and smile even in the midst of your tears. "Whether you turn to the right or the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying 'this is the way; walk in it." Isaiah 30:21 Take your time lovely!

You may seem like these feelings will stay forever, but one day you'll wake up just like me and realize today is the day to officially say goodbye. Maybe that day is today, tomorrow, a month from now, or a year from now. Whenever it is, it will come and we will all be here waiting for you and your timing.

If anything, remember we love you, through thick and thin, rain or shine, we are here.

"There's a better version of me that I can't quite see, but things are gonna change. Right now I'm a total mess and right now I'm completely incomplete, but things are gonna change cause you're not through with me yet. This is redemption's story with every step that I'm taking. Every day I'm chipping away what I don't need. This is me under construction, this is my pride being broken. And every day I'm closer to who I'm meant to be. I'm a change in the making." Pin It

Day 24: Dear person who gave me my favorite memory

Dear Nan,

I just love the memories we share and I couldn't just pick one favorite. They're all my favorite. You're my best friend and I love you so much. As I get older, I realize out times together are slowly fading away from us and I wish you lived closer so we could spend more time together. I feel like we are twins in so many ways. We love to have fun, write, play cards, and watch TV shows that we try to discover the answer too. Your bold and have a servant's heart and man, I just love you. I don't think I can say it enough, but I love you, I love you, I love you!!!

There's the memories with the shooting peas, locking the keys in the car, shopping so many times together, making up Rachel Rummy, sharing a room together for 3 months, and so many more!

Love you! Pin It

Day 23: The Last Person You Kissed

Dear T*,

I'm tired of writing about you. I'm done, I'm over it, and I can finally say that I am 100% moved on from you. Pin It

Day 22: Dear someone I want to give a second chance

Dear L*,

I know you thought you were just doing what you needed to do, but I didn't agree with the way you handled things. But I am willing to give you a second chance. You didn't do this to me, but I believe you can be a good person and can provide grace. Just remember that there are people watching and treat others how you want to be treated Pin It

What was I created to be?

It seems I am always asking what I was created to be? Why was I put here? What's my purpose; mission? Why are my two feet walking on this earth?

I guess I just keep asking myself this because I keep referring to myself as a sinner. A sinner for participating in activities I know are wrong. A sinner for wanting to give up on the church. A sinner for not wanting to be a leader anymore. A sinner for wanting to hate people. I am a sinner.

But so is everyone else, right?

Maybe that's why I get lost. I'm fighting all these battles by myself because I'm afraid to share it with people. What if they judge me? What if they tell me to turn to God? You know, I get it! I've been a Christian for over 10 years now and I know you are supposed to repent and ask for forgiveness, but sometimes it just gets old. I feel like I have used all my turn to ask for forgiveness. Shouldn't their be a point where God says, "You've taken advantage of me enough times, so sorry, kid, you're out of luck this time?" I mean I would totally understand if he said that. I'd do the same thing. "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." Isn't enough, enough?

Now why can't enough be enough for me? Why can't I stop after the first time? I guess it's just like Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. Once you take the bite of the sweet fruit it's hard not to keep going to back for more bites and eventually you just forget you are even taking that bite. I constantly wonder how much life would be easier if they would have never sinned. But then again would we learn everything we do if we had never sinned? Is sin something to be thankful for?

I think most of this is stemming from the past month of losing a church, a church family, and hope/faith in the church. I start to wonder what's the point and with that it is hard not to question your faith and why you believe. I still love God and believe in him, but I am struggling with how everything has happened in the last month as it has. Why God? Why us? But when I say why us, I wonder why Abraham. Joseph, Mary? Why did he choose them? Is this why we were created? Did you allow this to happen to us because you knew we could handle it or fight through it?

And then this song comes to my mind, and I here God talking to me:

Come home, come home
Cause I've been waiting for ya for so long, for so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
And the fight for you is all I've ever known
So come home

And then I hear me talking to God:

Everything I can't be is everything you should be
And that's why I need you here
Everything I can't be is everything you should be
And that;s why I need you here Pin It

Day 21: Someone I judged by first impression

Dear S*,

The very first moment I met you I never thought we would be friends. Oh how I was wrong! You are now one of my very best friends. I can't imagine you not being in my life now. I have loved watching you grow and seeing you become the person you are today. It's only been about 5 months, but you have changed dramatically and I cannot wait to see how you continue to change and grow. You have such a heart to learn and grow and I can't say it enough. I'm just so excited for you, your life, and our friendship. I love you girl! Pin It

Day 20: Dear Person Who Broke My Heart the Most

Dear T*,

I understand I broke up with you, but that doesn't mean you still couldn't have broken my heart because you did. I spent my summer going back and forth on whether my decision was right. I spent a month not feeling anything because it was too hard to fight with myself. Then I spent another month fighting with myself, God, and life trying to figure out if letting you go was the right thing. I finally got to the point where I realized God was allowing me to have the choice to decide and if it wasn't supposed to be he wouldn't allow it to happen. So I remembered your words, "If you change your mine, I'll be here." And I ran after those words! I got the guts to tell you how I had to been feeling after I fought with myself for a whole summer. I had thought, prayed, struggled, and came to a conclusion that we could make it work. I was scared in the beginning. Scared of being hurt, taken advantage of, left, falling for you because there was something I never told you.

I was starting to fall in love with you. I could feel the words forming on my lips wanting to be let out, but in my head I was crazy. I always told myself I would be the girl who waited to say s the words "I love you" to the man I would marry and spend the rest of my life with. The idea that I could say that to you was the scariest thing in my life. Could I actually have these feelings for you that I did? Could you be the one? So I decided I would never know unless I gave my whole self into the relationship and stopped being scare. That's when I jumped. I told you how I felt. And that's when I fell.

I fell hard and hit the ground defeated. The words you said on my drive way that day meant nothing anymore. The future you talked about with me just faded and I was left to deal with the shattered pieces of a heart. My heart. So I slowly began to pick them up and to be honest I'm probably still picking them up. I found a piece of best friend, of love, of trust, of hope, of belief, and so much more. And I slowly began to glue those pieces back together. Sometimes a piece falls out again and I re-glue it.

My heart is broken and the scar will always be there, but I could never tell you that. Pin It

Day 19: Someone that pesters your mind, good or bad

Dear Blind Date,

Why did I ever think this would be a good idea?! I walk past a guy and think,"Are you my date?" In class, I take up the time by wondering how the date will be. Yes, it is just for fun, but I'm a girl! Of course we want it to turn into something more! So here it is: Please be nice, funny, kind, caring, have a big heart. Oh and if God is listening, please let this be the guy for me. I'm getting a little impatient here. And if You, God, don't think he is the one for me then please let us allow to still be friends. I'm tired of having the awkward "we went on date and now we don't talk" thing.

Oh and more to you, blind date. If you're reading this (which you're probably not), don't think of this as being weird. I'm a blogger and I'm bold and honest. I say how I feel and what I think and this has been something pestering my mind lately. Pin It

Day 18: Dear the person that I wish I could be

Dear the person I wish I could be,
I wish you could be as bold and confident as you are on your best days. I wish you never had days where you give in to temptation. I wish you were my patient with yourself and others. I love your independence, but you don't need to always do things on your own. You can ask others for help, but just remember to say thank you. Stop forgetting to take your own advice. Claim it and recieve it! If it works for others, why wouldn't it work for you? Just remember to always love yourself, believe in yourself, and push yourself to the best you can be! Pin It

Day 17: Someone from your childhood

Dear boy who's name I've forgotten,
I had many crushes on boys in elementary school, but you were the first boy I ever remember thinking about all the time. We met on one random day and spent three hours in the morning just playing around. Playing hide and go seek and basketball. You were the first sincere guy I had a crush on and I cherished my day dreams about you. Who knew that I would have many more days dreaming about different guys. I'm not really sure why I'm writing to you; you're the only person I felt okay to write about. I never saw you again after that day, but I never forgot about you. Guess that just shows first impressions are remembered. I think I'm just rambling now and I highly doubt you are reading this blog or remember who I am so I hope you're life is wonderful! Pin It

Day 16: Dear someone that is in a different state/country

Dear Laura,
I hope you are loving India. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you and the great friend you have become in my life. You never hear stories about someone becoming friends with their best friend's sister, but I am truly blessed. Thank you so much for spending time with a 19 year old and listening to my drama. You are wiser than you know and I appreciate your advice and everything you do for me. Can't wait to see you when you get back and see all that God did for you in those three weeks in India. Pin It

Day 15: The person you miss the most

Dear future husband,

We may have met, we may have not, but I miss you so much. I miss the fact you cannot see the changes I've made in my life and the relationships I am building right now. I miss your smile, your scent, and the way you make me laugh. I miss hugging you and talking to you and only you. I am so looking forward to the day that it is clear to both of us that we were meant for each other. The day we learn that our hearts were knit together by God. I hope I don't have to go much longer missing you, but if I do remember that I always love you, am thinking about you, and praying for you.

Love you! Pin It

Day 14: Dear someone I've drifted away from

Dear Small Group Girls,

I miss you all so much. When people go different ways there is the transition into separation that is full of turns. I guess growing up means you leave things behind; not that I'm leaving you guys behind because I will always carry the memories we shared together. We are on two different paths in our lives and we are experiencing life changing events in each of our lives. You are run across my mind and I hope you are experiencing all you could wish for in your high school careers. I love you all! Pin It

Day 13: Someone you wish could forgive you

Dear S*,

I really wish you would forgive me. I understand the way I ended our friendship was not very mature or considerate of me, but I also wish you could understand where I was coming from. We were best friends and after moving we became very different people. You weren't the friend I remembered and I became uncomfortable at your house and stopped enjoying being with you. I never meant to hurt you, but I was selfish and was only thinking about myself when I sent you that message online telling you we couldn't be friends anymore. I am so sorry for ever handling it that way, but I wish you would forgive me and would understand what I was trying to do and why I did it. I will always cherish the memories we share and miss you, but understand we are two different people walking down two separate paths with nothing much in common except the memories of the past. I love you and wish and hope for the best for you! Pin It

Day 12: Dear person who caused me the most pain

Dear Satan,

Every single day you are shooting something my way to trip me up. I've sinned, used nasty language, and hated people thanks to you and yet I can't blame you because they were all my actions, but I know you whispered lies into my ears to make it be alright. Is it bad to say I hate you? Does that make me sin as well? Life would be filled with more happiness and beauty if you didn't have any role in it. I know just saying this will want you to hang out with me more, but please just leave me alone. I don't want your bad company and your endless lies. Pin It

Word of 2010: Disappointment

It must be because I am not conversing with people a lot, but I have had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. It could also be because this past year was just rough. As the title of this says, I had a great year, but I faced disappointment a lot and I've thought a lot as to why this might have happened. Let me recap the big disappointments of this year:
-March: I did not get the RA position that I had always dreamed about. I also was not selected to receive the internship at the church in Alaska that I really wanted.
-June: Not only did I loose a best friend, but my relationship with T* did not work out.
-December: My dad lost his job.

So here are some of my reasons for why this might have happened:
1.) A lesson from God-maybe he was showing me how to rely on him even through the storms.
2.) I usually receive what I want and this is the first time I haven't, so maybe this is just showing me, just like the song, "You can't always get what you want."
3.) I have been living in an alternate universe and life has always been this hard, but I was just too much of an optimist.

I'm leaning more towards 1 and 2 than 3. Let's just rule out 3. I'm curious to see what this year will provide. Will it be the opposite of this past year? Will I get answers to why everything has been rough this year? Will I get my friend back? Will my dad get a better job than he has ever been offered? Will I get to spend my summer in Washington or Alaska? What does this year hold for me?

When I get my answers or a new word for the year, I'll let you know. Pin It

Day 11: A deceased person you wish you could talk to

Dear Grand-dad,
I feel like it us unfair that you had to die when I was so young. I can't remember any memories with you because of being so young. I only can picture you in stories that people tell me. I know you would be a lot of help in times like these. I know mom wouldn't be so sad because she could rely on you. Although you're not here, I feel you always watching over me. Whenever I get stopped at a railroad track, I think you are keeping me from harm on the other side. I love you and I miss you. Thanks for keeping me safe up there! Pin It