Let me be completely honest about my life lately: It has been nothing but easy; it has been a struggle, a tough battle, and it has been completely without hope. Now when you lose hope, what else do you have?
Since my dad lost his job from the church in December, I have been rolling around deep in murky waters. I never knew something that didn't directly happen to me could affect me so much. It's been hard, but I wouldn't take it back. Going through hard things in life can really build you up and throw you into the person you are to be. So let me tell you what I've discovered in the last three months.
The moment my dad lost his job I threw myself into the bible. I needed God more than anything and well felt that way in my house. So I read Timothy and Titus and I can't remember which one it was now, but it described a leader and the words I read just defeated me. There was not a leader at that church I called home and it was that same leader who sent my dad away on selfish matters. I could not fathom how God could allow a man to rise up to the role he was in and allow him to lead when he clearly was not leadership material according to the bible. So what did I do? I closed my bible and I closed my heart to God for a month. Why did I do it? Because it was the easy way out. Why would I read the bible and continue to struggle with things I read? I didn't think it was worth my time or my effort so I just gave up and for that month I struggled a lot. I struggled with my hardest semester of school so far, friendship drama, and leadership problems.
I was a christian leader on campus and it is not easy to lead other Christians when you give up on God. I basically put on act for a month. I praised God and I advised people on the "Christian" thing to do, but it was all just for show. During that month a friend of mine suggested counseling and I took her advice. BEST DECISION EVER! Counseling started asking me questions that I struggled with and helped me uncover my feelings on a lot of things. After my first counseling session, my counselor prayed for me and she prayed that my faith would light a fire again. So I thought well things didn't get any easier giving up on God so why not actually try to pursue a relationship with God for real this time.
So I started reading my bible every day. First effect: My attitude began to change. Days I missed reading my bible I was just plain rude and nasty, but days I remembered and tried I felt calm, happy, and kind. Second effect: I pursued God because I wanted to. He's always wanted me, but I'm not sure I ever really understood that it required effort out of me. I didn't pursue God because I had the title Christian or because my dad works in the church so I need to be an example. I pursued him because I wanted, needed, and seeked him.
Has it been easy? NO! It's probably been the hardest step I've taken in life. I cry a lot, I fight with myself a lot, and I fight with God a lot. In order to take this journey, I had to open a really dark and scary place in my heart. It contained secrets that I had been hiding from myself and others and I had to deal with them. I had to struggle with the fact that I am hating people and that has been super hard. Who wants to admit they hate someone? We throw the word around so carelessly today, but when you really discover hateful feelings they are heavy and very hard to work through. I also began to tell some of my closest friends; secrets I thought I'd never share; secrets that I was ashamed of. And let me just say One Republics, "Secrets," was a very helpful song for me. "I'm gonna give all my secrets away." That's what I did and it was freeing. God created friends to help us and support us; we need them like we need God.
Though this journey is not over yet, the Son is getting brighter. I feel Him leaking into my every day ways and my thoughts and my actions. I missed God and I love him. Being a Christian does not mean this life will be easier for us. Read Crazy Love and you'll understand where I'm coming from. The moment we put on that title life gets hard. We are called to be different, to stand out of the crowd and not being in that crowd is hard, but the fact is most of us still stand in the crowd. I stand in the crowd and I am trying to figure out what I can do to walk out of the crowd and stand outside. God says to take up your cross and follow him; I guess that is the first step to walking out of the crowd.
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