Jeremiah 29:11-14

"For the I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, "plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. You will call to Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you...and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and places where I banished you...I will restore you to the place I deported you from."

I went to Church today and I was just not feeling it. The church we are attending now is the first place my dad has felt called to play for and has been welcomed with open arms; however, the rest of the family is not loving it as much. Actually, I think we are all afraid of connecting with anyone and getting the boot again. It was hard enough to do once and I do not think any of us are ready for that again. Plus, we all will be going in different directions next year: my brother is graduating high school and going to college, I am graduating college and planning to head to Seattle, and mom and dad are considering moving.

With regards to all that, I was just not feeling connected to church at all today. I miss being apart of a place where people know me by name and recognize me as my fathers daughter as well as the service I do for the church. I actually considered getting up and leaving because I did not want to be there, but my father sat down next to me and I had no choice but to listen to the sermon.

I am so glad I did! We talked about Job today and about being in the storm. I scanned the chapter and instantly felt connected to him. He was upset with God and frustrated which is how I have been with God as well. While listening to the sermon, I read Jeremiah 29:11 and felt connected to it in a way that I never have been before. I connected the last part where it says, "I will restore you to the place I deported you from." I have felt deported. God picked our family up and threw us into a life we were not familar with and unsure of how to handle. We have been dealing, but it has been so hard. This promise of restoration is something to look forward to though.

I am not sure when it will happen, but I am excited for the day I can be restored with the Church and to find that place I used to call home.

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A Very Thankful Daughter

My dad has been on my heart lately. Since being at home, I have been able to see the life my family has been living. I knew that we were struggling, but now I can see it the faces of my parents. My mother is trying to be strong and supportive and my dad is trying to trust God. I respect my parents so much after being with them this week. A time that has been stressful and down right horrible, they have been able to love, laugh, and live. They are real; they struggle with God, question Him, trust Him, and wait on Him. Their strength is beyond words; it is so strong.

I broke down in tears at multiple times today as I am doing right now because of my family. We could have let this situation affect our lives in a negative way. We could have let it beat us down and break us, but all of us have chosen to rise above. Yes, we have all had our bad days. The days when we say we want to give up and that we don't trust God, but at least we are being real and honest. Our faith is messy, but so was Peter's and Paul's.

I am just thankful and very appreciative of the parent's God has blessed me with. My mom has a heart that is beautiful. Her laugh, her smile, her goofiness; I just love everything about her. My dad's contemplative-ness, trust, and faith is admirable and inspiring.

"When the clouds are heavy, the rains come down. When a tree falls, whether south or north, there it lies. If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done. " Ecclesiastes 11:3-4 If you wait for life to be perfect, then your going to miss it. Be thankful for the hard times, for the trying times, and for all the times in between. Pin It

Hardest thing I have ever experienced

To sum it all up, I would say sophomore year.

I entered it off the high of my Freshman year expecting it to be amazing and life changing and let's just say sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for.

It was life changing, but not in the way I expected.

I broke up with my boyfriend, celebrated my sisters wedding, suffered from my dad losing his job, and then spent months fighting with a friend.

Sure, my sisters wedding was tons of fun and one of the best parts of the year.

It was just the other stuff that led to the hardest experience ever.

I have talked about it so much on here that it is becoming repetitive.

If you want to read all about it; just click one of the links at the bottom.

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Pain Changes Us

Pain. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Change. Such a strong and heavy word. A word that can hold so much to it or so very little.

Pain=Change

Just something to think about.

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Growing Up

Life lately has been awakening, eye-opening, and real. Sometimes I wonder if I life in an alternate universe (maybe this is because I day dream a lot). I have been realizing that I am slowly creeping into the adult world. I can see the differences in pictures of how I am aging and I can see it most in the way I handle situations. I am growing out of the over-dramatically emotional stages and entering into the calm responses and patience. Is this good or bad? Part of me misses the over-dramatic stage and maybe because that is where I felt I expressed myself the most. The other part of me is happy that I am not responding with emotion filled words, but now with truth filled words.

I have talked about my past year multiple times, but it is something I will continue to talk about for the rest of my life. This year of my life has engraved me and will represent me. It was a year of learning to stand in the rain, to know true hate and real forgiveness, to make mistakes and pave the way, and to discover who I am. Relationships have been lost, pain has been felt, regret was common, and love was overflowing. I always ask myself, "If you could do it over, would you?" I have always hated that question, but I think I am starting to understand why people say yes. Do I want to say yes to all the hurt, pain, and loss? No. Definitely no. Do I want to say yes to all the discovery, love, growth, and strength? Yes. 100% yes!

This year has been more valuable to me than any of the years I have been alive. I fell a lot, but God put people in my life to always pick me up to carry on. God took me on an adventure to discover a place I love, a place I hope to go and make my own name. He has given me friends that are remarkable beyond belief; friends that I can truly say will be in my life forever. My faith crumbled, but God held on to me through all the doubt, hurt, and hate and continues to hold on to me as I still doubt and wonder what it is all about.

I could go on for hours talking about all the God has done for me, but I personally do not have time as a college student (I should be studying for a test right now, whoops!). I am thankful, grateful, and amazed at the greatness of God and how his plans work for our lives. I still struggle with why he chose me to go through some of these things and I will probably never understand completely, but I do know that there is a plan and that there is the light at the end of the tunnel.

There are better things ahead than anything we left behind.

-C.S. Lewis

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Week 10: Bellingham, Washington

It's official! My last week in Washington is over and I am sitting at the airport trying not to cry. I have been blessed this whole summer with amazing friends, opportunities, and a loving God. I could not ask for anything more and do not regret any thing.

We spent this week with a band camp so basically we put the campers to bed and woke them up so it was a really easy week. While the kids were in band practice, we spent the day painting tons and building a new campsite for the camp. I only worked on the campsite for 2 hours because I could not handle nature this week (maybe I am still some what of a girly girl still). Instead of building, I painted tons; I even still have paint stuck in my hair that I cannot get rid of. At night, we played tons of loaded questions and spent time preparing each other for our goodbyes. Kool-aid and I also spent the week pranking each other. He froze my toothbrush, toothpaste, and toothbrush holder in water and I just died laughing. I miss all my friends here so much already and I haven't even made it on the plane yet. Yesterday, I pretty much spent the whole day crying. Saying goodbye to everyone was much more tough then I thought. Izza was the hardest seeing as we have become best friends in such a little amount of time. That girl is going to be in my wedding.

As I left this morning with my friends waving me off so early in the morning, I realized that Washington is my home. It is a home I will return to as much as possible and hopefully will call it my official home in the future. I will miss the beautiful mountains, people, and life that is created here. I cannot wait to return and be reunited with everyone again.

See you soon Washington!
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Week 9: Bellingham, Washington

This was our last regular week of camp. I had 5th and 6th grade girls and it was a pretty easy week. I had two CIT's to help me which I was so grateful for and a group of girls who never complained. I got engaged to Dundee on camp out night (no worries; it's a fake engagement) and we heard a pack of coyotes howling outside of our camp site. This week was a little rough because I'm homesick. I know I'm coming home in a week and I just long to be in my home state with family and friends. I am sad to leave here, but ready to be reconnect with my family and share all the stories I have. Once again this was a week of memories from two engagements, pranks, and tons of laughter.

I am sad to say that my time is ending here soon. This has been a summer of unbelievable experiences and a changed heart. I came to camp this summer after having a rough semester at school with my dad losing his job and tough relationships. I was emotionally tired and needed an escape and Camp Lutherwood did just that for me. It gave me a beautiful scenic landscape that I could spend hours looking at, friends that will last for a lifetime, and memories that could never be capture anywhere else. Although I miss home so much, I will miss camp just as much when I return. This has become a new home for me and a place I plan to visit as much as possible in my life. I keep getting asked whether I will return again next summer and I am not sure about that answer. There are three places I call home and each of them tug at my heart strings: Anderson, my family home, and Washington. Being at any of them creates a longing to be at another home and that is hard to deal with. I love camp and it is in God's hands as to whether or not I will return again next summer (but I will say its a likely possibility). All I can do is praise God for the path he has set out for my life. I am grateful for this experience and all that has come with it.

Indiana friends I will be home in 7 days. See you soon!
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Week 8: Bellingham, Washington

I spent this week as a CIT (counselor in training) counselor which means I hung out with high school students all week. It was a blast filled with sassiness, laughter, and ridiculousness. Kahuna shaved all his hair off, I learned how to skip a rock for the first time, and last friday I blobbed for the first time as well. I wish I could write more, but I've run out of time this weekend.

It was a blast all week so that's all you need to know! Pin It

Week 7: Lummi Island, Washington

Working at Lummi was such a rewarding week. It was long labor work filled with 6 hour painting days, but we finished two houses and the families were very grateful. I got to spend the week working with 5 other high school students. The students were great and I wish I could have spent longer getting to know them. We had deep talks about relationships and shared each others life stories. The best night of the whole week was Wednesday night. The Bob's, the family we painted houses for, made us dinner to thank us and then we went to the beach to hang out with their grand-kids. After the beach, we had campfire at their house and their great-grandmother shared her families struggles and how they found God in the midst of it. The stories were touching and truly miracles.

I wish I could go into deep detail about the week, but it is an emotional and very long week to share. This was just another week of showing me why I am supposed to be here. I cannot wait to reconnect with all of you at home and share with you the stories of friendships and fun I am creating and having here.

One thing I have learned for sure about myself here: I am terrified of snakes! A kid this week came up beside me and held it in front of me and I ran so fast and broke out into tears. I hate snakes! Pin It

Week 6: Bellingham, Washington

What a wonderful week it has been in Washington. It has been rainy, but I the sun has shined in so many ways. I spent my first week at camp as an on-site counselor and God blessed me with the greatest group of girls ever. They got a long, did not fight, and grew to become very best friends. It was a great transition for me into being on-site.

This was a confirmation camp week which means campers came with their church groups and had confirmation class for two hours a day and then spent the rest of the time with the counselors. I was very nervous for this week seeing as I am not Lutheran, but it was not a difficult week at all. We discussed how God thinks we are special in our confirmation groups and learned that there is nothing we could do to make God not love us.

My girls and I spent time laughing and growing together during challenge course and activity time. Monday night we got the chance to dress as super hero's for dinner and we looked awesome. Tuesday was a rough day, but my girls were tough and stuck through it. We spent all day at the challenge course which meant lots of hiking and then we had camp out night (even more hiking). Camp out night could have ended badly since it took Neon and I two hours to get our fire started to cook our dinner, but the girls kept great attitudes and we ended the night singing around our campfire and laughing about counselor codes. Wednesday night involved a game of Biffer which is a game where campers have to find counselor in number order so Izza and I spent the game in a canoe boat in the middle of the field representing the 7th and last counselor. We ended the last night of camp with a game of Commando. In this game, the counselor search out the campers and trying to catch them. All the campers have Cheerios which represent their life and if they get caught the counselor gets to take their life and they have to start over trying to get it from one side of the field to the other. Also on Thursday, the staff performed the "Everything (Lifehouse) Skit" for the campers and it was an awesome production.

This week was great and will be a memory for years. It was a blast to spend time with these girls and I wish I could have spent the whole summer getting to know them better. God reminded me this week why I came here (I was beginning to wonder why I came because I miss home a lot) and showed me a lot about myself I needed to know.

This was last week in Camano and this is Lyken playing frogger with a group.

Super Hero Night! Top Row L:R Super Sara, Ninja Turtle, Storm from X-Men, Ninja Turtle, Cat Woman, Uncle Fester. Bottom Row L:R Superwoman and Superman

Twin Night! Neon and I were the Dixie Chicks and sang "Goodbye Earl" when the campers chose us to sing a song during dinner.

Our Harry Potter Costumes after seeing the last and final movie.

In honor of the song of the week, Izza and I sang Goodbye Earl at dinner tonight.

P.S. Mom if your reading this. Prepare for a gigantic hug when I return home. I saw so many girls run into their moms arms today and all I could do was think of running into yours. I love and miss you! Dad you'll get a great big hug as well!

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Week 5: Camano Island, Washington

This week I was sent to do a VBS camp on Camano Island which is about an hour south of Bellingham. It was a relief to take a week away from camp and explore an area that I have never seen completely before. I was assigned 6th graders again which has been awesome because I love middle school students, but I forget that they are still maturing and dealt with a lot of random noisy students. I banned all things Justin Beiber and talks about which camp counselor I had a crush on (Side note- All the guys at camp are great guys and I enjoy getting to know them. I am not dating any of them nor am I engaged/married to any of them. Your welcome mom and dad!)

Being a camp counselor is a wonderful job, but also very tiring. I keep getting asked whether I will come back next year, but I am not at a point where I would be sure of my decision. At this point, I am in the middle and prefer to stay undecided since I still have another six weeks here.

Since my week was similar to one I have explained before I will just give some highlights and things I have learned/love about Washington.

Highlights

Morning greetings/hugs from Keith (a first grader)

Applause after every time I sang at B.O.B. (body on your bunk) time. I felt like a superstar.

Being asked if Keith was my son. If I was older, I would adopt him in a heartbeat!

Matchmaker Kylie; she was sure Pippin and I would be married in the future.

Bible encounters with honest, open hearts.

What I love/have learned about Washington

Thunderstorms do not happen often here, but today God finally granted me one!

Whales eat seals sometimes; sad, but true.

The weather is perfect for me. Never too hot or too cold and rarely is it humid here.

Waking up to mountains never gets old.

City life here is beautiful and filled with green grass.

Unique and one of a kind stores are everywhere.

The style for everyone is so different and unique; yet, accepted by all.

If anyone has any questions for me, feel free to leave a comment on my blog and I will do my best to reply in a timely manner.

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Week 4: Bellingham, Washington

Well this was an interesting week in Washington. I was on General Duty all week so I didn't have campers, but I did interact with campers. I spent most of the week painting, moving furniture, gardening, and planning lots of campfires, morning watches, and vespers.

Sunday we welcomed campers and planned campfire for the campers. Monday we taped the bungalow for painting and weeded a lot. I also swam with the campers every day this week. For vespers I played Katy Perry's "Firework" on guitar and we watched fireworks with a round of Ride the pony (a very funny, repitive game). Tuesday was more manual labor and swimming. This week was mostly a blur so I don't remember a lot of it.

The staff went to do high ropes course one day this week and I made it to the top of the platform climbing up and then just stood there until it was time to come down, but that was good for me. It was a rough week for a lot of people so this weekend was very much needed to rest. Tonight we are having a dinner prepared for us by the Australian and then I leave Sunday for Camano, Washington for a VBS day camp for the week. Pin It

Week 3: Olympia, Washington

Sorry for the delayed post, but life is very busy here in Washington. This past week four others and I went to Olympia, Washington to do a VBS day camp. It was challenging, fun, and a learning experience for all of us. Every single day we had chapel which I played guitar for and then we would break out into cabin times. I had 5th and 6th graders with another counselor because there was 17 of them. They were all fun to get to know, but boy do they push your buttons. By the end of the day, my voice would be scratchy with all the singing and yelling I had to do.

For cabin times, we did bible encounter which is where we go over the theme for the day and do activities that involve the theme. Then we went to game time and basically had the kids run around so they would be tired by the end of the day. Then we had lunch and went into more games with everyone. After games, we had environmental activity which was basically more game time since they didn't have much nature area for us. We ended the day with craft time and closing chapel.

When we were done planning for the day we would head back to our host family house and spend time relaxing or exploring Olympia. It was nice to be able to relax at night and share our lives with our Awesome host family (Tibbets). If I did day camps every week, I don't think I would complain because it was still fun, but I would like at least a couple of weeks on the actual camp site.

When we all returned from our day camps on Friday we had closing staff worship and dinner and then the group of people who stayed camped out in the mountains. Before camp out, we got to go on the boat and I went tubing for my first time! It was scary, but fun too. Saturday morning Maverick put on a Wake board event so we spent the day helping run it which meant more time on the lake. With all that time on the lake also meant a very sun burnt Rachel which I am still recovering from.

I am still loving Washington, but I wouldn't mind a quick trip home to see everyone and just be at home with family for a week. If anyone wants to come visit, feel free. I have Saturdays off and would love to spend it with you!

This was a superhero mural in Olympia that we discovered one night in Washington.

The kissing statue by the Puget Sound. Of course we all had to make our kissy faces!

The Olympia Wolf Pack! L:R Carmello, Izza, Me (Indy), and BC

And of course the three roommates for the week. We love each other!

Izza took this picture while in Olympia. It's just beautiful at night here!

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Week 2 of Staff Training

The time here fells like it is flying by. This was another crazy week of staff training and we did it at the Lummi Indiana Reservation due to another camp renting out our site. The week was filled with more games and getting to know each other. We planned for our Bible Encounters which is an hour we will have each day to teach kids the theme of the day and play games and read the bible.

This was on Tuesday. We went to the Beach and played Eagle's Nest which is similar to capture the flag. Then we practiced skits that we may possibly do at campfire. Isn't it beautiful?

On Saturday Night we had a talent show so I was Saylor Twift and played "Yellow" by Coldplay on the guitar. It was the first time I played for a live audience singing and playing.

On Thursday we had a people scavenger hunt in Fairhaven. We had two find 12 people who continued to move around and get their signature. We didn't win but 111 sure had a great time trying to.

On Sunday night we went to one of the staff's graduation party and had a campfire for the party guests. We then found this hamburger on our way home and all ran on to private property to get a picture with it. "It's all about the journey getting there; not the destination."


We've done too much this week to name every single thing but I'll give some highlights:

1.) Going to Camano Island with Izza and Cookie Monster

2.) 111 room chats

3.) Wrestling each other during a staff game

4.) Cutting my hair off (Yes I cut off 8 inches)

5.) Bonding with every one even more

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Week one of Staff Training

Okay I have a lot to say and very little time so here it goes.

Friday: I painted signs for our luau, we went to the mall, and played lots of cards.

Saturday: I got to sleep in, played some more cards, set up a bunch of tents so they could air out, and we had our first campfire.

Sunday: We went to a lutheran church and let's just say it was interesting. It kind of felt like Catholic mass and nothing I could find myself going to on a regular basis. Then we went to lunch at a Mexican burrito place and ate huge burritos. Then we came back and I had my first swim in Lake Samish. It was freezing, but fun. Then all the other staff arrived at 4 and we played lots of get to know you games.

Monday: We did a camp tour, vespers-a calming biblical aspect of the day, learned about lutherwood's history, and I got homesick because I was tired and wanted to sleep in my own bed. And I was annoyed that everyones parents kept showing up at camp.

Tuesday: We had to do low and high ropes course. Low was easy, but high was hard for me since I don't like heights. I made it to the tires on the vertical playpin and then opted to come down because I was scared. Pretty good, if I say so myself. We did some more stuff but once again I can't remember.

Wednesday: We practed stranger danger scenerio. One of the staffers went missing and we had to practice what we would do to find him. I also got to try on a police uniform and I think I looked pretty legit. I'll post a picture on facebook eventually. We also practiced canoe tipping and it was hard. My arms were so tired from climbing the rock wall I couldn't pull myself into the boat. We played some more games and I sang at Campfire. We also made out own campfires. Yes, I made a campfire.

Thursday: We set up upper OAP for campers to camp in. Then we took a backpack training class which was cool but also boring. We went over cleaning 101 and then I shared part of my testimony at vespers. Then we played pictionary in our houses. I was sorted into the Slytherin house.

Friday: Slytherin led morning watch so I lead a song and participated in a skit. We then had a lot of talking sessions about rules (Boring!). Then we spent the night camping out. Dinner was interesting to say that least and then we actually left at 3:30 in the morning because our covering was leaking and getting us all wet.

I'm loving camp and all the people I'm meeting. My camp name is Indy which I actually like. Okay I have to call my mother before she gets mad at me! Pin It

Bellingham: Day 5 and 6

I am still loving Washington. I can't help but just observe everything because it is so different from Indiana. I love waking up to mountains surrounding me and seeing the beautiful lake shimmering. The weather I enjoy, but I'll be honest I am missing a little bit of the Indiana heat. It's been a little chilly here the last two days, but I wouldn't trade it for humidity. We have been working hard the last two days at camp.

On Tuesday we cleaned the girls side of camp. Yes I cleaned. Then we worked on Staff Manuals for the rest of the day (about 4 hours) and still didn't finish them. After work, I skyped with my family and then we went to a past counselor's house and played a game called Killer Bunnies. It was confusing at first, but I ended up loving it and want to play it again. Then Vespa and I came back to the apartment and play Rachel Rummy (Raquel or Rocky Rummy).

Wednesday Luigi and Vespa had to work the ropes course so I spent my day working on Staff Manuals again and finally finished them around 3. So in all, those stinking manuals took about 9 hours. A little ridiculous, but I'm glad they are done. We also made a sign for one of the counselor's flying in from Australia since we are picking him up at the airport today. Then we grabbed some dinner and played some guitar and met another new counselor (Patrick). We played a couple rounds of bocce ball and then I taught them how to play Euchre and they beat me for being newbies.

Each day is different and exciting and I'm starting to come out of the shell I put myself in the first couple of days. I don't think I realize I was going to be gone from home for a long period of time and I finally realized that when I was here so I closed up a little bit, but luckily I'm coming out of it now. Hopefully, I can take some more pics later but I just keep forgetting to take my camera with me. Pin It

Bellingham: Day 3 and 4

These last two days have been very busy. I left Seattle yesterday to head to Bellingham and Camp Lutherwood. I met some staff and played a cool new game called Ticket to Ride. Today I woke up and went to my favorite spot at camp, Spirit Cabin. I did my devotional and wrote some letters to friends. Two assistant directors and I painted two boy cabins. Surprisingly, I enjoyed it. Makes me wonder what else I could do with painting. After we finished (5 hours later), we played some guitar and then grabbed some dinner. I am loving Washington and am excited to see what the next 11 weeks have in store for me.

(This was my view this morning during my devotional time. BEAUTIFUL!)


(These chairs are awesome! They are like hammocks, but better. I want one so bad.)

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Seattle: Day 2

Today was a very busy day. We were out all day, but it was beautiful. It was one of the warmest days Seattle has had in a year. I made a visit to the original Starbucks did not actually get a drink from this one because the line was out the door so I settled for having a Java Chip Frappucino (my first in 6 months) at another one.


We walked around the Public Market and I bought some jewelry and a t-shirt. We also had some of the best Macaroni and Cheese from Beecher's. After walking the market, we spent some time downtown shopping. We went to a 3 story Forever 21. Completely awesome, but completely overwhelming. I needed a whole day just to search through everything. From downtown, we went and picked up Ashlee's friend Morgan and grabbed a snack to eat at the Gas works which is a park located in Freemont. It was hilly and beautiful. I got to catch up with my old youth leader and played some croquet. Oh, and I also got a very nice red tan!

(This is where they throw the fish to each other in the Public Market. I saw video's about this market while I was applying for camps in Washington and took it as a sign to go to Washington. The guys are very outgoing and funny!)

Ash and I grabbed some fish and chips after hanging out at the park and then went to pick up her friend Jari to see "Midnight in Paris" at the movie theater. The theater was old school and fit a ton of people, but they were only showing this movie. It was okay, but not one I would see again. After the movie, we booked it over to Target, a 2 story Target! I was in love and wished I could have had more time to spend in there. They even had their own parking garage for their customers. Crazy!

I'm leaving to head to Bellingham in a couple of hours and then I will officially be at the camp until August 20th!

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Two different people; one person

This week has been extremely crazy emotionally and physically. Final exams and friendship have been the two F's in my life. These two F's have the same effect as they would if they were F's on papers. They made me feel horrible and not good enough.

Finals I am used to. It was my fourth semester of finals and I didn't do horrible, but I also didn't do the best as I usually do. Friendships on the other hand have never been so difficult for me. I'm cautious as to what to say because I know I have friends who read this and I don't want them to take it the wrong way, but this is also my heart and life which is what this blog is all about. So I will slowly tread upon this road with caution...

I'm not sure if there is much road to travel on with in this friendship. I think we have come to the end. There is no going forward or backwards which is sad to say. I feel like I have devoted a lot of myself to this friendship, but that it was only here for a season which has come and past. So where do I or we go from this? That's the part I am not quite sure about. Isaiah 30:21 says "you will hear a voice saying this is the way, walk in it." I don't hear the voice. I just hear the awkward silence. The killing silence. Do we say goodbye; can you ever say goodbye?

My words on this subject keep fading. It never seems to be easy to just let something go. To just say goodbye and be done with it. And your self never makes it easy. It constantly battles with itself and asks questions that confuse you even more than you were before.

All I can say is that I am thankful for a summer to spend with God; serving him, re-devoting myself to him, and listening to his understanding. Pin It

Secrets, Struggles, and God

Let me be completely honest about my life lately: It has been nothing but easy; it has been a struggle, a tough battle, and it has been completely without hope. Now when you lose hope, what else do you have?

Since my dad lost his job from the church in December, I have been rolling around deep in murky waters. I never knew something that didn't directly happen to me could affect me so much. It's been hard, but I wouldn't take it back. Going through hard things in life can really build you up and throw you into the person you are to be. So let me tell you what I've discovered in the last three months.

The moment my dad lost his job I threw myself into the bible. I needed God more than anything and well felt that way in my house. So I read Timothy and Titus and I can't remember which one it was now, but it described a leader and the words I read just defeated me. There was not a leader at that church I called home and it was that same leader who sent my dad away on selfish matters. I could not fathom how God could allow a man to rise up to the role he was in and allow him to lead when he clearly was not leadership material according to the bible. So what did I do? I closed my bible and I closed my heart to God for a month. Why did I do it? Because it was the easy way out. Why would I read the bible and continue to struggle with things I read? I didn't think it was worth my time or my effort so I just gave up and for that month I struggled a lot. I struggled with my hardest semester of school so far, friendship drama, and leadership problems.

I was a christian leader on campus and it is not easy to lead other Christians when you give up on God. I basically put on act for a month. I praised God and I advised people on the "Christian" thing to do, but it was all just for show. During that month a friend of mine suggested counseling and I took her advice. BEST DECISION EVER! Counseling started asking me questions that I struggled with and helped me uncover my feelings on a lot of things. After my first counseling session, my counselor prayed for me and she prayed that my faith would light a fire again. So I thought well things didn't get any easier giving up on God so why not actually try to pursue a relationship with God for real this time.

So I started reading my bible every day. First effect: My attitude began to change. Days I missed reading my bible I was just plain rude and nasty, but days I remembered and tried I felt calm, happy, and kind. Second effect: I pursued God because I wanted to. He's always wanted me, but I'm not sure I ever really understood that it required effort out of me. I didn't pursue God because I had the title Christian or because my dad works in the church so I need to be an example. I pursued him because I wanted, needed, and seeked him.

Has it been easy? NO! It's probably been the hardest step I've taken in life. I cry a lot, I fight with myself a lot, and I fight with God a lot. In order to take this journey, I had to open a really dark and scary place in my heart. It contained secrets that I had been hiding from myself and others and I had to deal with them. I had to struggle with the fact that I am hating people and that has been super hard. Who wants to admit they hate someone? We throw the word around so carelessly today, but when you really discover hateful feelings they are heavy and very hard to work through. I also began to tell some of my closest friends; secrets I thought I'd never share; secrets that I was ashamed of. And let me just say One Republics, "Secrets," was a very helpful song for me. "I'm gonna give all my secrets away." That's what I did and it was freeing. God created friends to help us and support us; we need them like we need God.

Though this journey is not over yet, the Son is getting brighter. I feel Him leaking into my every day ways and my thoughts and my actions. I missed God and I love him. Being a Christian does not mean this life will be easier for us. Read Crazy Love and you'll understand where I'm coming from. The moment we put on that title life gets hard. We are called to be different, to stand out of the crowd and not being in that crowd is hard, but the fact is most of us still stand in the crowd. I stand in the crowd and I am trying to figure out what I can do to walk out of the crowd and stand outside. God says to take up your cross and follow him; I guess that is the first step to walking out of the crowd. Pin It