Deep Question Time

Here's some questions I just feel I need to ask myself and by answering them on here allows me to go back and re-visit them, but also pushes me to look deeper into them.

What am I doing with my life?

I know some of the decisions I have made lately have been childish and purely selfish. I know it's wrong and that it does not better me at all; I also know this is something I am probably going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. I know I need to stop and stand strong and stop giving in. I know what's right, but it's hard to do what's right sometimes. Sometimes what is wrong feels good and feels better than what is right. Sometimes the right leaves us lonely and having to try hard and sometimes I just do not have the strength to do that. And sometimes the ghosts that haunt us seem to pop up when they know you are at your weakest. Sometimes I may be at my weakest, but I can say no, but sometimes I give in. I can see the big picture and I know I am working towards something greater than this moment, but the small picture is so much harder for me to see sometimes. 

So what are you going to do?

Keep trying? Is that too cliche to say? Does it even mean anything any more since I keep coming back from where I am trying to get away from? I know if I ask someone else that they will say you can always start over and over and over...but is there not a place you get to where starting over really means you don't start over? Am I making sense? I don't know what I am going to do. All I know is that whatever I have been doing is not working and that I need a new game plan.

What's holding you down?

Guilt, shame, embarrassment, hurt, confusion, sin, desires, self-esteem, and so much more. That big word shame really gets me. It is just not easy to shake off.

What's keeping you going?

Love, a new beginning, God, friends, family, school, life in general. The big picture is my motivation.

So what's next?

Starting over, again. Getting stronger, again. Being honest, again. Trusting, again. Repeating the process, again with new ideas to help fight the dark place I can get in sometimes.

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