In January, I applied for two great opportunities. One was with an internship in Alaska for the summer and the other was to be an RA for this coming year. In February, I was introduced to the word, "No." Two BIG No's. Since then I have been suffering with those two decisions that were decided for me. All I could do was let these individuals look at my life and decide whether they wanted me on their team. I was upset with these decisions for a long, long time. Before the college process, I had always given up on my dreams. I dreamed of being drum-major, gave it up. I dreamed of being in the top 10 in my class, gave it up. I never had the confidence I needed to believe I could achieve these goals and I always regretted that.
When I started to apply for college, I was the most scared I had ever been. What if I wasn't accepted anywhere? What if I'm not smart enough? The first letter of whether I was accepted or not came and it increased my fear tremendously. It was another No. I started to panic as to what I would do with my life if school was not an option for me. Fortunately, the next letter I got was from Anderson University and it was a YES! From there out, all the acceptance letters I got were Yes's and the school that said No eventually turned to a Yes too. I was amazed at how amazing and faithful God was in helping my dreams come true.
So, in the fall I made my journey to Anderson. When second semester came around, I knew which dream I would accomplish next. I would become an RA! I went through the whole process and felt good about everything. I thought my interviews went well and I felt like I was completely honest with everyone. I wasn't perfect and I wasn't afraid to admit that to them.
Over Christmas break, I began to desire to do something more with my summer than just work after my sophmore year of college. So I found some Christian websites that showed the variety of Christian related internships and I found one that was too good to pass up. So I applied for the coming summer. The whole summer in Alaska! I completed the application and the interview and felt that God was really calling me to this.
Then rolled in February. My birthday came, my first valentines with a boyfriend; nothing seemed like it could bring me down. The last week in February proved me wrong. I had made it into the top 2 for Alaska for the girl's choice, but I was not selected. I was bummed, but I was also happy because that meant I could spend the summer at home and that I could still apply for it next year (which I was encouraged to do).
Next came the RA letters. My friends and I had planned to met at the mail center at school. I arrived first and was too anxious to wait for them so with my roomie by my side I opened the letter. I just knew it was going to be a yes. It was my dream, my goal, and my desire to be an RA. I began to read those first words and I felt my smile turn downward. I had been selected as an Alternate. If anyone would decide to not be an RA, I could have the chance to fill their spot. Even though it was not a complete No, all I heard was "NO!" My friends came and asked if I had gotten the position and I sadly told them no, but I was eager to see if they had made it. Well, to my surprise, they all recieved a Yes. I wasn't surprised as in I think they didn't really deserve it, I was surprised in the fact that I was the only one given a No. I left the group to get to class and I felt that one tear fall.
My dreams had been crushed...
I wrestled for God for a couple months after that. I went back and forth with accepting the decisions that had been given to me. Some days I knew it was for the best, but most days I just did not understand it. Eleanor Roosevelt said this, "You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot." I had faced fear in the face. Where was that strength? Courage? Confidence?
It was not until this week when I realized where that strength, courage, and confidence was. It has been inside me all along, but I have been hiding it from myself because I did not want to accept that God had something better for me. I thought what I went for was what was BEST for me.
After not being selected for RA, I was offered a poistion as a DC (Dicipleship Coordinator). I gladly accepted since I wanted to be on a leadership role in some way on campus. All summer I have been reading a bible study that I think I want to do with the girls on my floor and todays devotion showed me just what I have needed to see. These is a part from the lesson today:
"Hold on to your dreams! God is Ironic sometimes-What you might view as a set back, God just may be using to shape you into the person you are meant to be."
I can't deny that God has used these two No's to shape me into the person he has designed me to be. I accept these two No's with a thanful heart now. I will wait on God's timing for my life and I know he will do great works withint me.
"Hold fast to the vision God has given you for your life. The difficult things we go through one to prepare us for the realization of the vision on God's timing and by his power! I will not deny the vision that God has given me even when the circumstances seem to contradict it." Dr. Llyod John Ogilvile.
Pin It
No comments:
Post a Comment